3914 days ago
I first published this a year ago but since Mr Pistorius is back in the headlines as his trial gets underway, I guess this is worth recycling.
Some may describe this as being more tasteless than a Findus horse lasagne. There will be those who gloss over the reports of repeated domestic incidents in this household and say that we should all move on. I haven't. And so I bring you the best of the Oscar Pistorious twitter jokes today
*@MrWard_* Oscar Pistorious killed his misses on valentines day so dont complain when yours forgets 2 get a card
*@sickipediabot* Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorious.
*@FattusAntus* Oscar Pistorious. Proof that a man with no legs is better at shooting than Theo Walcott.
*@FattusAntus* Oscar Pistorious. A history of violence against women and has spent most of his life legless. He’s the South African Paul Gascoigne.
*@aidan_fletcher* Oscar Pistorious shot dead his girlfriend last night. By the looks of things, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on...
*@Brandy_Carroll* Can't blame Oscar Pistorious for mistaking his girlfriend for a burglar. One takes half your money and possessions. The other is a burglar.
*@NeilInbetween_* I think Oscar Pistorious took the band name 'Bullet for my valentine' a little too far
*@cobbo3* Lesson from Oscar Pistorious' girlfriend shooting? If your boyfriend has a gun, always try and get home b4 him.
*@mrkennysenior* Police confirm that when Oscar Pistorious was arrested he was armed with a gun and two blades
*@theponyboy* Think its pretty clear that Oscar Pistorious is an un-stable man
*@LRPBaldwin* Apparently oscar pistorious shot his misses because he thought she was an intruder, police say he was on a night out an came home legless
*@JackMinall* Oscar Pistorious has now taken the worst boyfriend title away from Chris Brown. Shooting your misses on Valentines day.
@alex49200 Why was Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend burgling him? Yet more proof that women are mental.
*@richie_dgs* Oscar Pistorious- by the sounds of things he may not have legs but he is fully armed!
To read the best of the Pope quits twitter jokes go HERE.
To read the best of the Findus Lasagne twitter jokes go HERE.
To read the best of the Tesco twitter jokes go HERE.
To read the best of the Chris Huhne, Liar, criminal and ex MP twitter jokes go HERE.
To read the best of the Lance Armstrong twitter jokes go HERE.
To read the best the #tweetlikealefty twitter jokes go HERE.
To read the best of the Ryanair ( after losing ash cloud cast) twitter jokes click HERE.
4043 days ago
The winds are not yet at 80 MPH but as we all sit watching Downton tonight just how much of the electricity we use will be generated by those bird killing machines so beloved by the global warming nutters at the RSPB, I refer to wind turbines. The answer, of course, is exactly nil.
In a month when it emerged that Former Energy and Climate change secretary Chris Huhne had on release from prison promptly landed a cushy job with a green energy firm, wind farms are still popular in some circles. But as they grind to a halt tonight I ask you to post captions to this picture in the comments section below – deadline 9 AM Friday.
For what it is worth my entry is
4048 days ago
Oh dear. Oh dear. The Global warming nutters are in disarray. Their models – on the basis of which trillions of dollars have been pissed away and Al Gore has become an incredibly rich fat bastard – have been shown to be just WRONG!
I quote from Der Spiegel which cites NASA as its source:
Whenever the ice at the North and South Pole is mentioned, it is mostly in the context of melting triggered by global warming. However, the sea ice in Antarctica - in contrast to that in the Arctic - has proved to be remarkably robust. New measurements have now confirmed that. As the U.S. space agency NASA announced, the sea ice in the Antarctic has extended over an area of 19.47 million square meters at the end of September. That is the highest since measurements began in 1979. Why the white splendour is extending there while it is rapidly disappearing in the Arctic is a mystery.
Hmmmmmm
A mystery eh? Perhaps it is because the world is er…not getting warmer. It has got colder since 1997. So why does that matter?
4252 days ago
Cyprus is a small island and it was easy to ignore or play down events at first but the situation is now out of control. We live in a new world order, the post Cyprus order and you need to wake up to the reality of that fast.
The Euro was never an economic project. It was a political one. And as such the “believers” brushed aside any economic objections and sought to ensure that everyone joined the club. Some countries were not fit to join (Portugal, Eire Spain, Italy, France, Greece, and Cyprus) but that mattered little. The leaders of those countries and the ECB agreed to lie in order to gain entry.
This was a concerted lie by the political elites across Europe – a class distinct from the folks they nominally represent. And so today as the Euro collapses the political elites of Poland, Rumania and elsewhere are still applying to sign up. Hey, I know the Titanic is going down but is there any chance of me jumping off a floating currency lifeboat and getting on board your fine vessel? Madness.
And one reason that it is madness is that we have no idea how Cyprus will play out. The initial plans for state bank robbery have been shelved and so if you have less than 100,000 Euros in your bank account that money is, pro tem, safe. But it is impossible to withdraw it in more than small tranches. If you have more you will lose some of it. Perhaps 40% or 60% or potentially all of it. The idea that bondholders should lose everything if a bank fails seems fair to me. The idea that depositors should lose cash is just obscene.
What will be the effects?
For one you will see a growing scandal of how the political elite looked after its own and its friends.
4252 days ago
Found guilty of a crime that can carry a 10 year sentence, former MP and wind farm loon Chris Huhne was sentenced to 8 months. He will apparently serve 8 weeks. And all bar 8 days of that will have been spent in an open prison (Leyhill) where he can enjoy the use of three tennis courts, eats organic food and can take Pilates classes if he fancies a bit of gentle exercise. He appears in the weekend press wandering past the prison’s aviary. One rule for the political classes and one rule for we plebs.
4262 days ago
What was it that Chris Huhne, Tony Blair, Lord Howe, Paddy Pantsdown etc. said about how disastrous it would be if Britain did not join the Euro? No doubt the guilty men will apologise one day to those they labelled xenophobes for disagreeing with them. Perhaps they might care to explain to the good folk of Cyprus how they have benefitted from Euro membership?
In light of this the prize for the wittiest entry to this week’s caption contest is 1 Cypriot Euro or 2 Cupid shares – whichever is worth less. Actually I shall offer a real prize: an It’s Time to Leave T-shirt.
As ever you can buy your own it’s time to leave T-shirt as well as a range of other politically incorrect T-shirts, mugs, sweat-shorts and hoodies HERE
And brownie points to anyone who turns up at the UKInvestor Show on April 13th wearing such apparel.
So post your captions to the picture below in the comments section. The deadline for entries is next Friday morning
My entry is: “There is a surprisingly large turnout at the annual meeting of the Cyprus friends of Germany Society”
Last week I asked for captions to a picture of Ed Milliband. The standard of entries was so depressingly low (my own included) that there is no prize. And I’d rather not have another picture of this hopeless figure on this site so let’s just draw a line under the episode.
Now that he is friended me on Facebook, can Jon Pickles please return with a vengeance for this week’s contest.
4273 days ago
If he was not such a sanctimonious git who has been wrong on every issue of the past 15 years and if his wife was not such a revolting piece of work you might feel a shred of sympathy for Chris Huhne and Vicky Pryce as they each prepare for an eight month stretch. As it happens, like 99% of the population I delight in the downfall of this ghastly couple who typify all that is so revolting about the political class. And it seems that twitter agrees...
@sixthformpoet
I wonder if Chris Huhne and Vicky Pryce are one of those annoying couples who finish each other's sentences.
@GuidoFawkes
Cruel and inhumane >> @nedsimons: Lembit Opik telling BBC News he will happily visit Chris Huhne in jail.
@doctorcfd
One last thought about #Huhne - when Clegg was elected over him, was the party merely picking the lesser of two weasels?
@EUMegaraid
#Huhne and #Pryce symptomatic of endemic political criminality Let's just turn Parliament into a Category A jail and be done with it
@Kwaitie
No Nick Clegg, a personal family tragedy is your child being hit by a speeding motorist & nearest A&E is miles away due to NHS cuts #Huhne
@DommieWobble
bet chris #huhne thought his ex's had stayed this way ....fun boy 3 - our lips are sealed http://youtu.be/IYS5tPou2s0
@GavBillenness
Breaking news: #Huhne tries to make Vicky Pryce take his 8 months for him
@DCamoron
#Huhne learned the hard way not to give penalty points to your wife! I'm not that stupid, I make sure #Clegg takes mine!
@AndreTheViking
Breaking News: #huhne to appeal sentence. Requests that his wife picks up the soap in the showers for him.
@fnordleblanket
Sentenced to 8 months isn't so bad. It's been ten years since #Pryce and #Huhne have gone down together.
@Brendan_Surrey
The ultimate punishment would be to be denied PR. To have to beg for a slave labour job at a Job Centre just like the rest of us. #huhne
@MrsStuffandGuff
@Scarletstand Thank god one of them didn't pen a facebook status vaguely threatening something vague, or they would've got longer. #huhne
4277 days ago
And so the jury has found that Vicky Pryce, aka the former Mrs Huhne, is like her ex husband a liar and a criminal. She has been found guilty and now we can await with pleasure, the sentencing of the gruesome pair. Mrs Huhne, a very successful career woman who stood up the Euro fanatic Chris numerous times tried to claim that in relation to the speeding points Mr Huhne bullied her into perverting the course of justice. It did not wash.
It has also emerged today how she tried to blacken Huhne’s name by tipping off journalists about his share trading and all because the wind-farm loving scumbag ditched her to run off with a hideous lesbian. They sound like a truly ghastly couple and it is hard to have sympathy for either as they both prepare to spend time doing porridge.
The fun does not stop here as it now emerges that senior Lib Dems including Vince Cable and Nick Clegg’s wife were all aware of the points story well before it appeared in the papers. Naturally the Lib Dems deny that they knew about. Just like none of them knew that their former CEO Lord Rennard was in fact Jabba The Hut.
Don’t you just love the political class? So Princess Leia how would you like to be a Lib Dem MP? "Remember that you can also buy the Chris Huhne special T-shirt as well as a “Justice 4 the Sefton 2” T-shirt, mug or hoodie exclusively at our online store. And you still have time to enter this week's Lib Dem Special caption contest here.
4283 days ago
There is only one story this week: when did Nick Clegg know that his leading party official not only looked like Jabba The Hut but, allegedly, shared his views on career advancement for women.
My caption for this one is: So Princess Leia how would you like to be a Lib Dem MP?
And so in honour of this episode and to win a Chris Huhne Liar! Criminal! T-shirt I ask you for captions to the picture below.
For what it is worth my caption is
“Salesman: Sir, If you want to fit in the entire Parliamentary Lib Dem party after 2015 you will need to buy the 4 seat model”
Or alternatively:
“Chris wanted you to look after his car whilst he is off the road and says do not worry about speed cameras he knows a sure fire way to get around the system””
If you can do better post your entries in the comments section below.
Last week I asked you for captions for this picture of the Horse belonging to queen welfare scrounger Heather Frost .
4288 days ago
The Lib Dems are still likely to win Eastleigh. If they do not, given that every councillor there is a Lib Dem and it is a Lib Dem seat then Nick Clegg is in deep trouble. It may well be that the cover-up over the Lord Rennard sex scandal is only a secondary worry although that will get very nasty as well. But at 11/2 UKIP is now worth a flutter. Think the unthinkable: UKIP might just win the by-election caused by Chris Huhne’s imminent fast track to prison.
A Populus poll shows Lib Dem 33%, Con 28% UKIP 21% ( but surging). However that assumes that undecided voters are reallocated on the basis of how the seat voted at the last General Election. That was a whole different ball game. Without that fiddle it is 31 (sex pest party), 26% ( hopeless party of Government), 25% UKIP.
Labour are on the low to mid teens and since the Labour candidate ( the one who supported the Argies in 1982 and wanted the IRA to kill Thatcher) is a prize loon, his vote could well slide far further. Labour voters in Eastleigh are not bourgeois Islington lefties who think the UKIP are unspeakably horrid but traditional working class voters who believe in hard work and have no truck with the EU, unrestricted Romanian immigration etc. They really should vote UKIP anyway and if they see UKIP as a chance to kick the wicked coalition in the goolies they may well switch. No: they are switching it is just a matter of how many more come over in the final few days.
If UKIP can pick up a few more percentage points from Labour ( and it is gaining support from all three parties) then life gets very interesting. It is hard to see the Lib Dem vote hardening in the final few days as the sex scandal widens and deepens and nothing the hopeless Government does these days does anything to attract those who should be core Tory voters. If it is anything the Tory party is meant to be the one that gets the economy right. And on Friday the UK lost its AAA rating as the credit agencies finally twigged that UK public finances are a mess and that things are not getting better.
A separate Survation phone poll has it as: Con 33, Lib Dem 29, UKIP 21, Lab 13 but again if you do not do the reallocation fiddle UKIP is up on 25 with this time the sex pests in second on 26, and the Tories on 29. The same arguments apply here. It is abundantly clear that this contest is a three way battle. Labour support is slipping steadily ( all to UKIP) and Nigel Farage et al must also think that in the next few days they can also pick up Lib Dems and Tories as well.
It will not change the world, but a UKIP win would be disastrous news for both Call Me Dave ( giving credibility to a party which believes in the sort of things the Tory party once believed in) and also for Clegg in that if the safest Lib Dem seat in England is lost what hope does his party have of avoiding electoral wipe-out in 2015.
At 11/2 it is worth a flutter. It might just happen.
And as I noted before, a UKIP vote is in fact the ONLY sane and honourable vote in Eastleigh. .
4290 days ago
I sense that Heather Frost, the welfare scrounger who breeds like a rabbit and says that a new free £400,000 eco mansion may not be good enough for her has made one or two of us want to vent a bit. I am sure that you have not forgotten the story here.
As such while I was tempted to run a photo of Call Me Dave in his new Indian headgear instead I bring you a picture of what Ms Frost spends £200 a month of YOUR money on. No it is not a juror in the Chris Huhne trial (far too bright for that) it is her horse.
The prize for the wittiest caption posted in the comments section below is am Its Time to Leave T-shirt. You can, of course, buy your very own It’s Time to Leave T-shirt here.
For what it is worth my entry is:
“It’s not just Dobbin who is being taken for a ride every day of the week by Heather Frost”
4290 days ago
I feel it is almost poetic. It is less than 24 hours since the king of the Global Warming Nutters ‘fessed up and admitted that the world had not got any colder for 17 years ( see here ). I am still celebrating that capitulation from the old crook Rajenda Pachauri and as I gaze out of the window at Real Man Pizza Company, the snow is falling gently on Clerkenwell. It is almost poetic. I am so glad thatI did not throw away all my winter woolies when Al Gore.Chris Huhne/Call Me Dave and the other nutters told me that winters were a thing of the past.
4291 days ago
The UN’s climate change chief, Rajendra Pachauri, who has made a personal fortune peddling this bogus science of the back of bogus data has today ‘fessed up to the inconvenient truth. Dr P has admitted that there has now been a 17-year pause in global temperature rises, confirmed recently by Britain’s Met Office.
But Dr P is undeterred and insists that this pause needs to last “30 to 40 years at least” to break the long-term global warming trend. That is prize crap on two grounds.
1. The world got colder 1939 to 1976. It then got hotter 1976 to 1995 ( a spell of 19 years). In other words on the basis of 19 years warming you can demand wholesale changes in the behaviour of humankind but to prove a reversal of a trend you need 40 years? Put another way, in the past 73 years we have has just one 19 year spell of warming as opposed to cooling. What is the trend and what is the blip?
2. The changes and vast expenses we all face as a results of demands made by the global warming nutters were based on computer programmes that predicted clear and linear warming from 1995 onwards directly linked to carbon emissions. Carbon emissions have carried on increasing. The world has not got hotter. The programmes have been wrong 17 years out of 17 so far. So why would anyone sane place any bets on their 50 and 100 year predictions being correct?
At least we see one sinner starting to repent. Who next? Al Gore? The BBC? The EU, Polly Toynbee? Chris Huhne? Call Me Dave? Line up, line up.
4295 days ago
I am not a UKIP member nor can my support be taken for granted – generally I despise all politicians and which they would just stop introducing laws and go away. And with that caveat I approach the looming by –election in Eastleigh with the conclusion that the ONLY sane and the ONLY honest vote is for UKIP.
The election is caused by liar and criminal Chris Huhne (Lib Dem) having to stand down because he is almost certainly heading for prison. In terms of Government and policy it will change nothing. We will still be ruled by this wretched Tory Lib Dem coalition and Labour will still be offering a principle free crackpot populist opposition. And as such an Eastleigh resident can vote with a clear conscience and on principle.
I start with why each of the candidates from the main three parties does not deserve to win a single vote before turning to UKIP.
4297 days ago
In the week that David Cameron decided that the middle classes deserve to be taxed twice so that the State can pay for care that folks are capable of affording themselves we have to honour the leader of the SDP, oops I meant Conservative Party. All he needs to do now is to start an illegal war or two and accept some dodgy donations to party coffers and he would be the true heir to Tony Blair.
I gather that “Don’t blame me I voted for David Davis” T-shirts are now a collector’s item. As folks increasingly wonder what exactly is the point of the Conservative Party I ask you to offer up captions for this picture. The winner will receive an “It’s Time to Leave” T-shirt which you can also order (along with the mug & hoodie) here.
For what it is worth my caption entry is:
4298 days ago
Some may describe this as being more tasteless than a Findus horse lasagne. There will be those who gloss over the reports of repeated domestic incidents in this household and say that we should all move on. I haven’t. And so I bring you the best of the Oscar Pistorious twitter jokes today
@MrWard_
Oscar Pistorious killed his misses on valentines day so dont complain when yours forgets 2 get a card
@sickipediabot
Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don’t try to surprise Oscar Pistorious.
@FattusAntus
Oscar Pistorious. Proof that a man with no legs is better at shooting than Theo Walcott.
@FattusAntus
Oscar Pistorious. A history of violence against women and has spent most of his life legless. He’s the South African Paul Gascoigne.
4300 days ago
Me first. How is this for restraint? I shall be giving up:
1. Reading the Guardian
2. Writing nice articles about Call Me Dave, New Labour and Chris Huhne
3. Giving money to the RSPCA
4. Thinking about stopping smoking or drinking less
5. Believing in global warming
6. Agreeing with the spin put out by the BBC News team
7. Cheering when Millwall or Spurs win at football
8. Campaigning for Britain to join the Euro
9. Tipping shares in Sefton Resources
10. Listening to new music produced by David Bowie
Ten Things Chris Huhne will be giving up for lent
1-7 – living in one of his houses
8. Having sex with bisexuals (well, female bisexuals anyway)
9.Using the Trouser Press he claimed on MP’s expenses
10. Driving any of his cars at any speed
4303 days ago
It could have been Lasagne but that horse has bolted and so, talking of speeding we turn to Chris Huhne, liar and criminal and ex MP. As Mr Huhne awaits his £70,000 pay off (who said that crime does not pay?) and plays with his £600 iPad (claimed on expenses a few days ago) I ask you to provide a caption for this picture
The winner will receive a Chris Huhne Liar! Criminal! t-shirt, which you can also order (along with the mug & hoodie) here.
For what it’s worth my caption is:
4304 days ago
More details emerge about liar, criminal and ex MP Chris Huhne every day which are guaranteed to nauseate. The windfarm and global warming nutter made his ex wife have an abortion for the sake of his career (she says) and there was a mistress prior to the lesbian he hooked up with before ditching the ex Mrs Huhne. This is all pretty unpleasant but is a private matter. What matters is the money.
Multi millionaire Huhne always played the expenses game aggressively – claiming for the cost of a Trouser Press amongst other things. And days before quitting as an MP – when he knew that the game was almost up – he happily claimed for an Ipad (at £700) and stiffed the taxpayer with an expenses claim. Various of his smug colleagues demand he repay that sum to deflect from the real question: why the hell does an MP need an Ipad anyway and why the hell should the taxpayer pay for it?
How many other sleazy MPs have bought an Ipad and put it on expenses?
The real kick in the groin for the taxpayer is that Huhne will get a £70,000 payoff for standing down as an MP.
4305 days ago
If you do not understand that this is irony then you are probably a lefty. Perhaps we should put humour on the National Curriculum. Anyhow if you have missed #tweetlikealefty on twitter this morning here are some of the best comedy tweets.
@DanHannanMEP
What do you mean, give to charity? I’ve already called for higher taxes!
@DanHannanMEP
I support freedom of speech, but some opinions shouldn’t be tolerated in our society.
@DanHannanMEP
This isn’t about the deficit, it’s about fairness and equality.
@DanHannanMEP
If we reversed the Tory cuts, there’d be higher tax revenues and a lower deficit.
@DanHannanMEP
The trouble with referendums is people might not understand the question.
@DanHannanMEP
A one-off 20% wealth tax on the richest 5% would clear the UK debt.
4308 days ago
As Chris Huhne MP (pro tem) prepares to leave the house of commons to spend some time an another institution full of liars and thieves ( so no change there), twitter erupts into a volley of abuse. Here’s the best
@gabrielquotes
#Huhne has been driven out of office by this scandal. Or did he drive himself?
@jetboyfantastic
Vicky Pryce was furious about Trimingham now she’s pleased #Huhne is doing some bird.
@GarionTweets
Today is a good day to bury bad #Huhne’s..
@pperrin
Clegg ‘I am shocked and saddned that Chris #Huhne has admitted criminaly perverting the course of justice – he should have kept lying’
@CaptainRanty
“Miss Pryce is using an archaic defence called ‘marital coercion’ ‘ So can I use the same thing to get out of shopping?
4308 days ago
To celebrate the news that Lib Dem MP and windfarm and all round global warming nutter Chris Huhne is now officially a liar and a criminal we offer you the chance to treasure this moment with a new line of T-Shirts, mugs and hoodies available for immediate delivery in a range of colours.
All are available exclusively from our online store allowing you to celebrate the demise of this EU loving, global warming freak and liar and criminal.
You can place your orders for all these items here.
4308 days ago
Windfarm and general all round global warming nutter and Lib Dem MP Chris Huhne has for months protested his innocence on the charge of perverting the course of justice – that is to say getting his ex wife to take speeding points for him. Today he has pleaded guilty in Court. So Huhne is not only a liar but will very shortly be a convicted criminal too and, fingers crossed, heading off to gaol. Given that during his period of procrastination and lies he has continued to claim MP’s expenses might this multi millionaire now be required to pay them back? I doubt it. Does he get an MP’s normal payoff? I expect so.
And now we face a by-election in Eastleigh, formerly a Tory/Lib Dem marginal. It is hard not to see the Lib Dem vote collapsing given that they are nationally hated and the circumstances of the contest. In that part of the world Labour is about as popular as the late Jimmy Saville and so UKIP will be licking its lips. There is no threat of “letting Labour in” by voting UKIP in this one-off contest. One imagines that the traditional Tories of Eastleigh are not exactly enthused by the tone of Call Me Dave’s conservatism. And so this may be the day. The odds have to be on a result of Conservative, UKIP, Lib Dem, Labour and then the assorted loons, but you never know. I would imagine that round at UKIP headquarters the excitement is tangible.
4421 days ago
My uncle Chris (Booker) is in India where my cousin Nick lives and so has missed the story of the year – the death of the global warming scam. As one of the bravest and fiercest critics of this costly farce he will be mortified. I am sure that when he arrives back in the UK on Wednesday he will be straight into battle. But data which has emerged from the Met Office ends this debate. Al Gore, Call Me Dave, Chris Huhne, the BBC, the Guardian etc – GOTCHA. It is all over for you now. How about you personally start paying back the gazillions taxpayers have pissed away on your fantasies at once.
4544 days ago
Cairn Energy (CNE) has today announced an agreed 450p a share cash bid for Nautical Petroleum (NPE). This is a 51% premium to the share price pre-talks but a discount to where some folks value Nautical (Westhouse reckons it is worth 550p and that a higher offer may emerge). What does this tell us about AIM listed oil stocks and also where to hunt for value.
Well firstly, even at $86 oil the bigger producers are chucking off a lot of cash. Exploration is high risk (even with modern technology) and so with AIM small-mid caps pretty bombed out it is probably safer to bulk up reserves by “drilling in the City.” Hence the recent Shell bid for Cove and Dragon’s move on Bowleven and Premier’s bid for Encore. Remember also the Total bid for Wessex which its board ( for reasons I simply cannot fathom) rejected. There will be more bids.
