1317 days ago
Yes, of course that organisation is the state funded broadcaster and purveyor of very unfunny woke comedy, the BBC. You know the sort of comedy where a black comedienne makes a joke about killing all white people and the audience laughs because genocide is such a laughing matter. This time the programme is Have I got More News for You where actor David Tennant told a witty scripted gag about how, in Israel, only Jews get the covid vaccine and Arabs don’t. Okay it is not funny at all and it is also 100% untrue. It is just another blood libel from the woke left about those pesky Jews.
1979 days ago
You may have missed it but Nick Clegg, once a hero of remainiacs like crazy cat woman Carol Cadwalladr yesterday spelled it out loud and clear – Brexit was not caused by Russian meddling and the Cambridge Analytica story is total tosh. Natch the crazy cat lady and her deluded followers dismissed poor Mr Clegg as a merchant of fake news. For them facts are an inconvenient truth, a bit like Carole’s self written life story.
1996 days ago
Whoever is driving the car gets to choose the radio station. Thus, when I was at the wheel, I refused to listen to Radio 2’s utterly gormless Sarah Cox who earns a telephone number salary doing drivetime as part the station’s campaign to show that it does not pay mega salaries only to men. The local radio station in Cannock Chase, I kid you not, was far more interesting. But as we headed towards Bristol the Mrs switched to Radio 4 for the 6.30 Comedy show…
2231 days ago
The Mrs and I come from opposite ends of the political spectrum but were both in stitches as we watched the latest video from my pal Dominic Frisby. Watch to the end..this is genius
3168 days ago
You will remember that fraudulent and now unlisted joke company US Oil & Gas (USOP) is trying to raise £2.9 million (but will settle for a minimum of £300,000) to keep the lights on. The pure gold comedy genious from our lying friends in Ireland continues.
3189 days ago
The image below is self explanatory and is comedy genius. I hope it brings a smile to your face.
3193 days ago
Given that it narrowly avoided bankruptcy just weeks ago and that its still far from awash with cash and nowhere near revenue generation that Arian Silver (AGQ) still spunks shareholders cash on a PR man is nothing short of disgraceful. Especially when the absolute cretin in question serves up what must be the comedy RNS of the day. Pompously the RNS is headlined Memorandum of Understanding with Tierra Nueva Mining . Okay big corporate deal then? Er.....
3838 days ago
Apparently Nigel Farage is rather upset by this stream of paradoy tweets on twitter. Come on Nigel you are going to win anyway so just sit back and laugh as there are some real gems there. In case you are not on twitter I bring you the best and also a note to My Mother in law (Dr Devedason) that my own contribution was just a little joke on my part and I am really looking forward to you coming over tomorrow.
Gary Oliver @HarerTheDog 14s
#ImVotingUkipBecause my parents didn't come here from Ireland, to have to mix with bloody foreigners
I AM GIROUD @Andy_Orbell 7h
#ImVotingUkipBecause Mr sheen left smears on my mirror and it says on the bottle that he's polish
Paul Stevenson @Gweilouk 14m
3921 days ago
I found this on the internet...maybe if you are not London based it is not quite as funny. Clerkenwell is between "More lawyers" and "Start up Twats" London Underground stations which is about right. Well, at least, I found the map very funny.
Click for large image in new window
3968 days ago
I cannot run with another caption contest based on the idea that some people still believe in David Cameron or global warming or both. So instead I offer you the photos of four well known men and invite you to say without breaking any laws of libel which is the odd one out.
The most entertaining factually correct answer wins a 50% off voucher to the soon to open new Spanish wine & tapas bar in Clerkenwell, Mirabelle’s. Prop… you know who. Post your ideas in the comments box below by Friday at noon.
Last week I asked for a caption for this photo.
The winner is Donalgarth for:
Penguin one "No I don't fancy their chances at all, I've heard that FAT Sam's leading the rescue party."
He will be sent his voucher entitling him for 50% off his bill when he visits Mirabelle’s.
3975 days ago
I am sure that for many readers of this blog there have been two highlights of the Christmas News Season. The first came from Call Me Dave Cameron who arranged a photo shoot with a foxy blonde lady who was one of the first to use taxpayers cash to buy a flat under the Government’s Help to Buy scheme ( also known as lets bribe the fools with their own cash by inflating the housing bubble to win the election scheme).
It has since emerged that this bird (Ms Sharon Ray) did not need taxpayer’s cash at all since she drives a £33,000 sports car. Better still, the Estate Agent who pocketed a handy commission for selling the flat to the foxy bird was in fact the foxy bird herself. Great photo op Call Me Dave and I am delighted that my taxes are going to such a worthy cause.
Only one event trumps this triumph for the heir to Blair and it was the stranding in ice packs of the Russian research vessel Akademik Shokalskiy over Christmas. This ship was carrying 52 passengers (including research scientists and, naturally, reporters from the BBC and its sister paper The Guardian) and was travelling to the Antarctic to investigate how global warming was melting the ice packs.
I would have thought that they would have been more successful had they been trying to find a bunch of Shepherds, three wise men and a virgin in Cardiff City Centre. They would at least have found the shepherds. Antarctic ice is in fact at levels not seen since modern records began. I know that the computer models
3997 days ago
I am devoid of ideas and must rush home to feed the cats as I complete my domestic odessey vfrom Rivington Street to Bristol. As such I offer up a simple picture for you this week and ask for your captions by 9 AM next Friday. Simply post then in the comments secti9on below.
For what it is worth my entry is:
“New management calling the 15% of our passengers who have not already abandoned ship…anyone fancy coming to an investment show in late April?”
Last week I asked you for a caption to this picture in the robber capitalist issue.
4003 days ago
Devoid of an internet connection at home I have been forced to spend the whole day in the pub and as I embark on my third large Rioja I am trying to be careful that I do not write anything too silly.
As such I make no comment on the picture of someone below who is clearly a master investor but came up under the google search “robber capitalist.” Should you wish to post a suitable caption in the comments section below feel free. The deadline is 9 AM Friday.
Last week I asked you for a suitable caption to this Nigella themed picture.
4024 days ago
Don’t’ know who Jumaa is yet? Is that
a) Because Theresa May has cracked down on the UK’s insane asylum laws and so there is no problem
b) Becuase you have not read the sane Sunday press
c) Because you read the Guardian/Observer/Independent and think that our immigration/legal aid/welfare system is an unmitigated blessing so have not been told about Jumaa?
Ok, to the chase: Jumaa arrived in the UK illegally in 2004 in the back of a lorry. He cannot speak proper English. He has never worked. He has always lived on benefits. And he raped a 13 year old girl and two other minors. He is a paedophile.
So is the UK:
a) putting him in prison for a long time and then sending him back to Sudan because Theresa May has cracked down on the UK’s insane asylum laws?
b) Sending him straight back to Sudan?
c) having jailed him for just two years it is now paying him vast amounts of compensation for keeping him in prison longer as we tried to deport him and thus infringing his human rights?
Guess what? It is c. No kidding. Apparently Jumaa has cost the British taxpayer £350,000 since are arrived here. And Theresa May is useless. Well that second item won’t be news to you.
In honour of this case I ask you for captions to the picture below. Please post your entries in the comments section.
For what it is worth my caption is:
4031 days ago
At 11 AM today the world fell silermnt as we remembered those who have their lives for this country in wast justifiable and wars illegal – step forward Tony Blair on the latter count. What was the war criminal thinking at 11 AM today and what will he be thinking at 11 AM on the 11th day of the 11th month tomorrow?
As such I offer you up a picture of David Cameron’s role model at PM as he wears his poopy with pride. What is Blair thinking? Please post your suggestions in the comments section below by Friday
For what it is worth my entry is:
4052 days ago
My father has done more than his fair share of work as Treasurer of the Shipston Parish. Its finances are okay – thanks in good part to my father handing over far too much of his dosh – but the finances of the wider C of E are a shambolic disaster. The reason is that it is a failing organisation – it keeps on losing customers to the grim reaper, other faiths and sects or to apathy and it is not replacing them.
One reason for this may be that the Church, like other once respected bodies such as the National Trust and the RSPCA seems intent on straying off its core patch. All three of these bodies have made themselves look ridiculous with their pronouncements on matters such as global warming and hunting of animals. But they just cannot help themselves.
And thus the Archbishop of Canterbury has today waded into the energy price debate telling companies that they should sacrifice profits by cutting prices ( prices agreed with the regulator) so folks are less badly off. Why not instead cut this Government’s ludicrous energy taxes imposed to help reduce our carbon footprint? Er…. Because the Church still thinks the planet is getting warmer (even though we are now in year 16 of cooling).
This is not a moral point the Church and the Archbishop is making but a political one.
4060 days ago
The highlight of the week was Guardian columnist Polly Toynbee, possibly the most annoying and stupid woman alive today, blaming the 2007 death of Baby P on the wicked Tories. I am sure you can spot the flaw in that pathetic smear.
With that in mind I have arrived in the Grim North, where Labour likes to keep folk poor so that they still support the People’s Party, for a weekend with the in-laws. It has rained solidly since we passed passport control in Leicestershire and so I have not ventured out to check out the poverty porn in great detail. But I guess that all those folks whose welfare payments won’t stretch to buying shoes will be feeling pretty cold, wet and miserable as they troop off to the local to blame everything on Thatcher and the bankers.
Since I am assured that no-one up here bothers getting up before midday I shall pop out tomorrow to have a look around. But in this vein, for this week’s caption contest I ask you to supply a witty few words for the picture below.
4081 days ago
It seems to have been ages since I ran a caption contest. But as I prepare for my next date in Court with uber expensive bully boy City lawyers Pinsent Masons it is time to go again. For on Friday we have another case management conference with Master Kay at the High Court in the Sefton libel trial. You may remember that Pinsents really should not be there at all since it is 100% conflicted as I have formally noted that Pinsents Partner Russell Booker is called as a witness by me. Moreover Pinsents only witness (Jim Ellerton) has been fired in disgrace by Sefton for being a liar and a crook.
The case is thus a total shambles yet Pinsents is ploughing on and will be invoicing poor old Sefton another £10,000 or so for its work in the week that lies ahead.
As such I offer up this picture and ask you to supply your caption in the comments section below by Friday at 9 AM.
For what it’s worth my caption is:
“As the crack Pinsents legal team met to discuss the Sefton case, partner Russell Booker put on his hat and declared of course we are not conflicted”
4109 days ago
Sent to me by a correspondent in Greece. Ever wonder what happens when you forget history or are nationally arrogant?
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when De Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO. De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded "Does that include those who are buried here?"
4115 days ago
Apropos of nothing, I thought it time for a new version of an old classic
Picture yourself in a float on a river
With tapia trees and kan-as-as skies
Your broker calls you, you answer quite slowly
As Sefton’s share price slowly dies
Bogus production from Doctor Green
Cash all heading to Jim
Look for money shareholders have given
And its gone
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Follow the shares down to ever new lows
Where Jim spouts more and more lies
Everyone smiles as you slip past the strippers
That spout nothing at all
Pinsent Masons appears on the shore
Waiting to take you away
Climb in the back as it counts Sefton’s cash
And its gone
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Picture yourself with the shares now at zero
With Ellerton retired on the beach
Suddenly someone is there sat beside him
As Sefton’s share price quickly dies
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
4115 days ago
Anyone who invested £95,000 in Sefton Resources (SER) when it listed on AIM more than a decade ago would, if they tried to sell their shares tomorrow net £26.67 (before dealing costs). Meanwhile executive chairman Jim Ellerton lives in a multimillion dollar beachfront mansion in Hawaii. Thanks to fees, salary, “director cash advances” and share trades (not to mention loans from Gary Dillabaugh that he has not repaid) Jimmy has made around $7 million from Sefton since its IPO.
Chuck in NI payments, first class air fares to and from Hawaii for 13 years, 5 star hotel accommodation around the world at Sefton’s expense, the company car in Hawaii and the rest and Jim Ellerton has cost Sefton c$10 million. In light of this I offer you this picture and invite you to post suitable captions in the comments section below by 9 AM Friday or by when Sefton’s shares are suspended – whichever is sooner.
For what it is worth my entry is: “As he gazes from his bedroom window Jim Ellerton reminds himself that whatever his critics may say not all shareholders have lost everything.”
And remember that there is still time to win a Justice for the Sefton 2 T-shirt in the ShareProphets Jim Ellerton Gary Dillabaugh caption contest which you can find here.
4122 days ago
I am sure that this will get me into trouble in some quarters but can someone explain why there are so many fat and stupid people in Scotland? I start with its leader Alex Salmond. Faced with the fact that Scotland is the third fattest nation in the world ( after the US & Mexico) and getting fatter the Scots Government says
“We are investing more than £7.5 million between 2012 and 2015 on projects to encourage healthy eating.”
a) How much has been spent on such projects between 2009 and 2012 and did Scotland get fatter or thinner? So why spend more money?
b) You are not investing. Scotland is a heavy net taker from the Union in fiscal terms. So you are taking money from English taxpayers and not investing it (that implies you get a return) but pissing it away creating yet more non jobs.
Okay, so we have established the Scottish Government is thick and as it happens its leader Mr. Salmond is a real lardbucket. So what about the folks he claims to lead?
4130 days ago
I reprint the pghoto below not out of vanity but in response to a request from a reader. It is of me posiing in our new must wear T-shirt, the Gary Dillabaugh special. You can of course buy your own Gary Dillabaugh T-short HERE
In answer to the reader's direct question: Yes we did clean the table after I stood on it. So post your captions in the comments section below. The deadline for entries is - as usual - 9 AM on Friday.
For what it is worth my entry is:
"With his drawings from Sefton last year Jim Ellerton could buy almost 17,000 of these T-shirts and have them shipped first class to Hawaii"
4134 days ago
Sefton Resources (SER) and I will be seeing each other in Court in just under three hours. But the company has today wasted more shareholders cash and contacted ADVFN asking that it remove the spoof Sefton downfall video arguing that it is a bit naughty... Ooooh er missus.
I have advised ADVFN to take it down. This is my battle. But I’d hate for you not to enjoy the video and so in case you missed it first time around. Here it is. As financial comedy goes it is pretty good IMHO. Almost as funny as the Sefton RNS 24 hours before its last placing when it said output had risen when in fact it had fallen.
Sefton...I do not think you understand this interwebby thing do you.
See you in Court at 2.30 PM bitchez!
4136 days ago
And so to this week's caption contest There are no prizes here and entries may not be approved if they threaten legal issues but anything in bad taste will be published at once. And so I ask you to submit in the comments section below by Friday at 9 AM your captions for this picture of a well known businessman and one of his former employees: Mr Rupert Murdoch and Ms Rebekka Brooks.
For what it is worth my entry is:
4142 days ago
I take my hat off to Michael O' Leary and to Ryanair (RYA). I would not fly with it because its service is shite but it hates cretinous regulators and its press releases can be a hoot and today’s is a classic as it has another go at the morons who run the UK Competition Commission (CC).
4160 days ago
U308 Holdings (U30P), a company set up and run by my old pal Conrad Windham provides today’s laugh of the day with a statement of pure comic brilliance. I refer to its half year results. Conman should give up on the resource stocks malarkey and do comedy for a living, this is sheer genius.
4165 days ago
Trending overnight among sad right wing folk on twitter ( i.e people like me) is #socialistchatuplines – since I am unable to sleep ( too much non Fair Trade coffee after a day of successful capitalism enjoyed with two employees on the minimum wage) I bring you the best of what has appeared to date with the undoubted winner right at the end. I write as someone who is dating a socialist but I did not use any of these lines...
Billy Bowden @Ontablets 28m
#socialistchatuplines Did you hurt your head when you fell from heaven? Thats Thatchers fault!
Scott @TheBenitezYears 33m
#socialistchatuplines I would love your number. But I don't have a phone as they are tools of the bourgeoisie, Capitalist pigs
Scott @TheBenitezYears 59m
#socialistchatuplines Can you buy me a drink?
Jon Persson @J__Persson 39m
Thatcher stole my milk when I was little. Buy me a drink? #socialistchatuplines
The devilish one @Jigglypuff2344 1h
@Shugism #socialistchatuplines Roses are Pretty, Violets are Ok, but I can't buy you either, cos I'm on JSA.
4198 days ago
When US Oil & Gas (USOP) goes tits up, its CEO Brian McDonnell should become a comedian. He really is very good. As our fellow Irishman Frank Carson used to say “It’s the way I tell ‘em.” The latest press release dated 23rd May has had me in stitches for days. It is comic genius. Oddly out there in la la USOPian land some folks seem to believe it. That is less funny.
Before we come to the “Competent Persons Report” I remind you that regulators at PLUS slammed young Brian for making statements he could not back up. Young Brian told the State of Nevada that his Ebiana #1 well was flowing at 60 bopd. But when the pen-pushers turned up on site and found sod all oil he admitted that was just an estimate and that the dog had eaten his calculations on which that estimate was made.
But Brian has persisted and now trumpets a Competent Persons Report by Forest Garb & Associates (the folks who said that Brian’s Hot Creek asset contained 189 million barrels of oil before any well was drilled). Having now drilled one well and found no commercial quantities of oil, Forrest Gump now reckons that
4199 days ago
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."
Thanks to Paul from China for that one..
4199 days ago
As we all know Call Me Dave is keen on appealing to core Conservatives voters. Hence welfare spending is up, the deficit is out of control, we have no vote on the EU, gay marriage is a core issue, etc. But at least we know one thing. The Conservatives are the party of law & order. In Call Me Dave’s Britain we are tough on crime and tough on the causes of crime. Not trivial issues but the sorts of crime that really has us all worried.
As such I bring you a picture this week of one hardened villain caught red handed with the weapon of intent. If you are at this stage lost read more here.
Tough cheese there is no prize for the wittiest caption for the picture below just glory.
For what it’s worth my entry is:
4213 days ago
What a week. I feel that I have given David Cameron both barrels in the Tomograph and so what else to feature in this week’s caption contest? The retirement of that miserable old toad Sir Alex Fergie? Nope I have sworn to leave that alone since the mainstream media is obsessed by it? The looming bankruptcy of Spain? Prince Harry in the US? Nope it has to be the tragedy come comedy that is US Oil & Gas (USOP).
The prize for this week’s caption contest? Rather like the prize for owning USOP shares there is none. But feel free to post whatever caption you feel appropriate in the comments section below for this little picture.
For what it is worth my entry is
4220 days ago
Another day and another "Downfall parody". This time it is Call Me Dave in the comedy spotlight as he contemplates his humiliation at the hands of UKIP.
It is not bad at all.
4254 days ago
I am not sure how I stumbled across this but it is a very funny political comedy video from the US. And most of it applies very much to the UK as well. If you have ever had an argument with a Guardian reader you will know what I mean
4262 days ago
Brother in law James is a classical singer. He is not on facebook, twitter or skype and like my sister Tabby seems to regard the new media world with large amounts of disdain. But he did point me the way of this super trailer for an ENO production a couple of years ago: Facebook in real life. It is very funny. Enjoy.
4265 days ago
The bit at the top is a bit old. But read on down to give you an updated international perspective.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.
4268 days ago
A posh English actor who always plays the role of a posh but dim Englishman has somehow managed to persuade the political class that the State should be allowed to censor free speech. And it all seems to have been driven by the fact that he was exposed for paying $25 to a hooker called Divine (who looked anything but divine) for a blow job in LA a few years ago. Thanks to the self-righteous prig Britain is less free. Twitter has reacted in a predictable manner. Here is the best of the tweets #Askpermissionfromhugh
Can Australia kill freedom of the press to protect politicians and slebs from awkward/embarrassing questions too? #AskPermissionFromHugh
Hi @HackedOffHugh I was going to tweet something you don’t like, hope you’re ok with that. #AskPermissionFromHugh
RT "@Pontifex the Cardinals kind of made me Pope but they only asked God. Is it okay to go ahead with my coronation? #AskPermissionFromHugh"
Robert Pitt @bobpitt4
Can I #AskPermissionFromHugh if I can take one of his old birds out? http://www.virginmedia.com/images/Divine-Brown-mug-431x500.jpg …
He’s Spartacus @hesspartacus
MT @a_Londoner: #AskPermissionFromHugh Since we've a state controlled press should @tom_watson restart fiddling his expenses? @HackedOffHugh
#AskPermissionFromHugh Can you get me a "babysitter" for tonight? (Don't worry, they won't have to actually turn up or anything).
Political Pryers @PoliticalPryers
Should I wear my black shirt today!? I better #AskPermissionFromHugh
Damaine Gorman @DamaineGorman
*CENSORED: TWEET DOES NOT CONTAIN ENOUGH DIVERSITY* #AskPermissionFromHugh
#AskPermissionFromHugh Should I tell me nan not to get the local paper in this week? I can't guarantee all the content will be agreeable.
#AskPermissionFromHugh The sunshine, moonlight and good times are all D-noticed, but can I blame it on the boogie?
#AskPermissionFromHugh Dear @hackedoffhugh my middle name is Hugh, can I change this please?
#AskPermissionFromHugh I'm locked into an endless cycle of dating beautiful women to hide my homosexuality. When can I leave the closet??
#AskPermissionFromHugh My crack ho has fallen asleep halfway through. Do I still pay the full 25?
The $25 hooker doesn't have change. Is $30 OK? #AskPermissionFromHugh@HackedOffHugh
This photo of a floppy haired actor getting a $25 blowjob... Is it in the public interest? #AskPermissionFromHugh
I've got details of MPs expense claims... Am I allowed to publish them? #AskPermissionFromHugh
Hi @HackedOffHugh I was going to tweet something you don’t like, hope you’re ok with that. #AskPermissionFromHugh
To read the best of the Oscar Pitorius kills girlfriend twitter jokes go HERE
To read the best of the Pope quits twitter jokes go HERE.
To read the best of the Findus Lasagne twitter jokes go HERE.
To read the best of the Tesco twitter jokes go HERE.
To read the best of the Chris Huhne, Liar, criminal and ex MP twitter jokes go HERE.
To read the best of the Lance Armstrong twitter jokes go HERE.
To read the best the #tweetlikealefty twitter jokes go HERE.
To read the best of the Ryanair ( after losing ash cloud cast) twitter jokes click HERE.
4268 days ago
Hell, I am bored and so I have created a follow up video to Sefton, The Downfall. It is Sefton, The Downfall the Sequel. I somehow doubt that there will be a need for a third video. Enjoy....
4268 days ago
I created this video when Sefton shares were 1.3p. Today they have hit new lows of sub 0.55p. My 0.1p ( or was it 0.01p) target price might have seemed ludicrous when I first started covering this company at 2p. But now it is looking ever closer. After a little chat with my pal Dan about some very interesting RNS statements from 2005 I watched this all over again and laughed again. It seems ever more on the ball. Sefton, the downfall video:
4284 days ago
Given Obama’s determination to bankrupt America ref his recent cuts package it is time to remind you of the great Dominic Frisbey Debt Bomb Video. The same message applies to the UK befire we laugh too much.
Dominic is not only a comedian he is also an expert on gold which is why he is one of the keynote speakers at UKInvestor Show on April 13th. He is bound to be entertaining. More details on that event and on the 24 other speakers HERE.
4287 days ago
There was no free share tip today oneonefreesharetip.com today as instead I felt the need to apolgise to an entire nation. In case you are not registered ( why not?) the piece runs.
I make a public apology to the entire people of Wales. It is indeed a heart-felt apology to you all ( my daughter Olivia included and even to her mother “big nose”). For you see it seems that I have been insensitive to the great people of the nation that brought you Max Boyce, badger fancying MP Ron Davies, weekend cottage burning and the entire Kinnock family and I want to apologise for that.
Clem Chambers and I have received an email from a sensitive and humourless Welshie called Gareth Davies He states:
“In your “One Free Share Tip” report of 17th February tipped Welsh technology hardware company I.Q.E., you referred to them as “sheep shaggers”. We Welsh have a good sense of humour and accept light –hearted “digs”, but the above phrase is not in that category and in fact is downright insulting and completely out of order. I trust that you will apologise for your remark and that such insults will not be repeated. Should I not receive a satisfactory reply, I may well take the matter further.
To Clem: I tried to get your e-mail address , but after several long, unanswered calls to 0207 0700 961, I have had to send your copy of the above e-mail by post (recorded delivery). Remarks such as the one above are often made in the media , mainly by S.E.England/London “establishment” figures. Having worked/travelled throughout Britain , I know that such hereditary, systemic, arrogant, publically- stated insolence is viewed by others outside the S.E. region with annoyance and contempt. Attitudes are hardening and in future, such insolence will not be tolerated.”
Ooooh er missus. I am threatened by Gareth, who clearly has time on his hands, that he may take the matter further and Clem now knows that this “insolence will not be tolerated.”
Clem and I are sensitive souls. I hate to think of Gareth staring up the valley looking at deserted coal mines and suffering because an Ireland supporting writer made such a comment about his fellow Celts. Poor Gareth. I am almost in tears as I write this apology for I want his soul to become less tormented. For you Gareth but also to all your wonderful countrymen and countrywomen, including family man Ryan Giggs and Ruth Madoc from Hi-de-Hi, I would like to state publicly:
I apologise for the comment. I fully accept that no-one in Wales has ever considered shagging a sheep and that nothing of the sort ever happens in the Principality. I think I got Wales confused with the Scottish borders and apologise for my basic error of geography which I shall not repeat.
Ends.
I hope that Gareth will accept this apology in full and will promise not to burn down the cottage that my Aunt Lucy owns in his great land.
I trust that this puts an end to the matter as I would rather spend an eternity listening to Aled Jones records in a room full of grumbling Welshies bleating on about how the wicked Thatcher closed down all the mines, than continue this pointless correspondence any further.
Tom Winnifrith
4298 days ago
My current laptop is, I think, almost four years old. I remember it arriving shiny and new. Heaven knows how many words I have tapped out on it over the years but it must be well in excess of three million. Gosh I have written some turgid old crap over the years. The poor computer has lived in a rucksack travelling around Greece and Albania cushioned by very smelly clothes, it has travelled by ferry, train, plane and car across three continents and above all it has had to suffer my typing. I am not a delicate touch typist but hammer the keyboard hard – I often get complaints in trains from passengers who I seem to disturb: “can you type more quietly?” they say. “No. Can you be less ugly?” I want to say but don’t.
The result of my hard typing is that the letters on my keyboard have almost entirely disappeared. This is my excuse for any spelling mistakes you might spot. The keyboard now reads: QW_ _ _ U _ _ _ New row: _ _ _ _ G J K _ New row Z X _ V B_ _ Actually the U , V and X are disappearing fast and the G and K are also only just half still there. I reckon that by the end of the summer I will be down to just five visible letters from 26.
The only time I really have a problem is when entering a logon password when dots rather than letters come up on screen. Am I hitting R rather than T and so getting refused entry? Such are the trials of life with my keyboard. But since I hate the process of transferring records, reconfiguring a new laptop etc, etc I shall stick with my old friend for a while yet.
If it causes the odd ettot I am truly sotty.
4299 days ago
The Darwin awards – you could not make it up
Each year the Darwin awards are handed out to those who have done most to strengthen the human gene pool by their own actions. This year’s winner has been announced. And also the runner-up positions. You could not make it up. Thanks to James Saperia (a man for who I was his Cilla Black) for flagging this up.
The winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honourable mentions of which number 4 is a stormer:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
4299 days ago
In the week that David Cameron decided that the middle classes deserve to be taxed twice so that the State can pay for care that folks are capable of affording themselves we have to honour the leader of the SDP, oops I meant Conservative Party. All he needs to do now is to start an illegal war or two and accept some dodgy donations to party coffers and he would be the true heir to Tony Blair.
I gather that “Don’t blame me I voted for David Davis” T-shirts are now a collector’s item. As folks increasingly wonder what exactly is the point of the Conservative Party I ask you to offer up captions for this picture. The winner will receive an “It’s Time to Leave” T-shirt which you can also order (along with the mug & hoodie) here.
For what it is worth my caption entry is:
4307 days ago
If you do not understand that this is irony then you are probably a lefty. Perhaps we should put humour on the National Curriculum. Anyhow if you have missed #tweetlikealefty on twitter this morning here are some of the best comedy tweets.
@DanHannanMEP
What do you mean, give to charity? I’ve already called for higher taxes!
@DanHannanMEP
I support freedom of speech, but some opinions shouldn’t be tolerated in our society.
@DanHannanMEP
This isn’t about the deficit, it’s about fairness and equality.
@DanHannanMEP
If we reversed the Tory cuts, there’d be higher tax revenues and a lower deficit.
@DanHannanMEP
The trouble with referendums is people might not understand the question.
@DanHannanMEP
A one-off 20% wealth tax on the richest 5% would clear the UK debt.
4310 days ago
As Chris Huhne MP (pro tem) prepares to leave the house of commons to spend some time an another institution full of liars and thieves ( so no change there), twitter erupts into a volley of abuse. Here’s the best
@gabrielquotes
#Huhne has been driven out of office by this scandal. Or did he drive himself?
@jetboyfantastic
Vicky Pryce was furious about Trimingham now she’s pleased #Huhne is doing some bird.
@GarionTweets
Today is a good day to bury bad #Huhne’s..
@pperrin
Clegg ‘I am shocked and saddned that Chris #Huhne has admitted criminaly perverting the course of justice – he should have kept lying’
@CaptainRanty
“Miss Pryce is using an archaic defence called ‘marital coercion’ ‘ So can I use the same thing to get out of shopping?
4311 days ago
Apologies for the delay in the Friday caption contest – it is all Zak Mir’s fault.
I really cannot think of anything particularly important to prompt tasteless caption entries this week and so fall back on the issue which George Osborne says will be at the heart of the next Tory manifesto and which is guaranteed to bring the faithful back to the Conservative fold.
As you know, I would allow gay marriage. But I cannot say that it is the number one issue on my mind right now. The way that the Tory party is tearing itself apart with half its MPs revealing themselves as knuckleheaded bigots while the other half show themselves as being even more out of touch by making this such a number one priority is almost comical. If the Tories are to tear themselves apart at least they could do it over something that matters like the EU or the fact that Britain is going bankrupt.
Anyhow, to win an “It’s time to leave” T-shirt please post your captions in the comments box below (Jon Pickles, this has to be an easy Prince Harry one for you)
You can, of course, buy your own It’s Time to Leave T-shirt, hoodie, mug or thermos flask here.
For what it is worth my entry is:
4314 days ago
For once the European court gets it right and will force Ryanair to do what all other airlines did two years ago and compensate passengers who lost flights due to volcanic ash. And so I bring you the instant Twitter joke reaction, plus a few older RyanAir jokes for good measure and to go with your coffee (that will be €five please) an ater dinner snack (that will be €7) from Tesco
The DM Reporter @DMReporter
TRAVEL: Ryan Air introduce new £510 admin charge for any customer claiming £500 compensation for delays.
Jim Kellam @creativejimsez
If oxygen masks came down in an emergency (they do have them right?) Ryanair would try & charge for the oxygen
Ruth Dudley Edwards @RuthDE
‘I’ve just about had it with Ryanair. Now they want to charge me for my emotional baggage!’ #ryanair
Ben Davies @bt_davies
BBC News – French-led troops ‘have control of Timbuktu airport’ http://bbc.in/14mLt3C – excellent. #ryanair’s new route to Avignon
And a few older jokes:
Michael O’Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.
“That will be one Euro, please,” says the barman.
“That’s a very fair price,” replies O’Leary.
“Would you like a glass with that, sir?” asks the barman.
Why won’t Al Qaida ever bomb a Ryanair flight?
Because they want to go straight to paradise, not 30 miles away and take a taxi.
So the new ‘Apple maps’ has cities placed miles from where they should be.
Hardly new, Ryanair pilots have been using the app for years now.
I have empathy with Lindsay Sandiford.
I would smuggle 5kg of cocaine into Ireland before the bills from Ryanair for excess baggage stopped it being profitable.
And that Tesco tweet:
*David Glass @JacksonTar
Tesco in trouble again – traces of human DNA found in their Welsh Lamb
4316 days ago
We love cycling at Real Man Pizza Company. Sitting in our quirkly Celtic Italian restaurant in Clerkenwell I am at this very moment staring at a framed, signed Mark Cavendish jersey from a couple of years ( and teams) ago. Cav is a real man…he wouldn’t cry on a talk show. And that brings us to Lance.
Now that I have officially won exactly the same number of Tour De France yellow jerseys as Lance Armstrong, I bring you a quiick review of the best Lance Armstrong tweeted jokes. Twitter is not ALL rubbish.
@BouwerBosch
Lance Armstrong’s darkest legacy will be that he convinced millions of men it was okay to wear cycling shorts – Andre Botha
@funnyordie
Lance Armstrong sends a powerful message to the kids of America: don’t do drugs and cheat unless you want to be rich and go on Oprah.
4327 days ago
There is only one story this week and we’d like to thank Tesco for not beefing about what follows. It provided the week’s best comedy.
To win a “It’s Time to Leave” T-shirt which in this period of intense global warming will be extremely useful, simply post your entries to the picture below.
My entry is:
4329 days ago
Sitting at Real Man Pizza Company enjoying a great lunch, clearly there is only story of the day to discuss.
No comment needed from me, the starter’s gun has been fired and we are off…
@davusp
Perhaps #Tesco is an abbreviation for Total Equine Sourcing Coldcuts and Offal?
@parvez08
At least there were no traces of Jockey found
@frankieboyle: A lot of people longing for the good old days when
#tesco burgers were made from cows’ arseholes, cocks and eyelids
@Lshaunwsutton
Had a burger last night, still got a bit between my teeth #horsemeat
@southerngooner
Stop trotting out these horse puns. I’ve seen the mane ones hundreds
of times, didn’t think they’d last furlong. N equestrians?
@MacBish67
Less far, more Shergar
@palinczuk
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says ‘why the long face?’ Cow says
‘Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!’
@tagmcallister
Unexpected item in bagging area
@MarioBaloteLAD
#Tesco clearly taking “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse” a little
bit too seriously.
@CRAIGYJ1986
“Can’t believe that woman was sent to hospital after eating a horse
meat burger… Her condition is said to be stable”
@Ladbrokes
We’re going 500/1 that a burger wins The Grand National this year……
@nickschofield1
I was a bit worried so I went to the freezer to check my Tesco
burgers, and….THEY’RE OFF.
@boobygraffoe
#horsemeat in burgers? That’s cruel. Horses should be where they
belong: On a racecourse, being whipped by midgets.
@J_CartwrightNOT
Horse meat in burgers? All part of a stable diet.. #tesco
@paullewismoney
I tried a #tesco ‘beef’burger and thought the going was a bit soft – been nagging me ever since.
@badassday
Hang on…… Twitter is awash with “missing dog” tweets, and Tesco burgers. Coincidence?
@TomSorbie: Forget the horse burgers, you want to try the
meatballs….. They’re the dog bollocks!!!
@joaniwalshi
They found dog DNA in those #tesco burgers as well, didn’t they…
Every Little Yelps.
4331 days ago
Robert Sutherland Smith started his City career the year before I was born. He is, I think, 157 years old. He and I have worked together for almost eight years. at t1ps. He is my friend and he is a very funny and intelligent chap. He is now branching out to celebrate his 158th by doing some freelance writing over at TradingResearchPoint on FTSE 350 Income stocks. He is a great one for focussing on yield. He is also going to do a monthly column for me on this blog on the subject that really interests him, life on Hampstead Heath. I am sure we all look forward to “Pond Life.” RSS today looks at National Grid and starts, once again, with a touch of comedy. He is a funny chap RSS.
The observation about things being in the price is usually a prelude to the conclusion that a share price is well up with events; more than discounting prospects and one where a profit should be taken. On this occasion, in respect to that dullest of shares, the National Grid, (NG.) it means the opposite. Dull and boring, as my friend and former t1ps colleague Tom Winnifrith often says in relation to shares, is sexy. At my age I have long forgotten what he means by that but I think I get his general point and agree.
What is in the price of the shares of the great UK and US electricity transmission supply owner and operator, is a growth in dividends
4331 days ago
I have written a number of times about how UK websites you are meant to trust like MoneyAM and UK-Analyst (and now Digital Look has also trundled along the walk of shame) have been accepting money to send their loyal readers a promotion for US OTC stock Harmonic Energy (OTC:ASUV) stating “This is the one stock you must buy now” and suggesting that gains of 3,200% are possible. In very small print on these promotions it is admitted that they are paid for by a shareholder who wants to sell shares. In other words this is a pump and dump operation. And in the latest SEC Filing of 14th December we discover that Harmonic has almost no cash, no revenues and is burning cash – it should be clean out of money within a couple of weeks. The auditors flag this as a going concern issue. Er…just a bit. At 95 cents today the company is valued at $59.9 million.
US Investors are happily dumping shares and guess which suckers are buying? Er… Yes Limeys it is you thanks to those mailings from websites you thought you trusted. Heck that is the special relationship in action, the yanks get to offload their shit on the Brits and we send them Piers Morgan in return. Unless you were one of the folks suckered this is almost funny.
That supposedly respectable UK websites take cash to pump out this crap is a total disgrace but the story of this mega stock promotion for a total nothing company gets funnier still as I am sent the latest release from Harmonic with blockbusting news
4334 days ago
I have just worked a 22 hour day, juggling the needs of sick staff, bills to pay, deadlines to meet etc. That is what life is like in the private sector. The bit of the economy that employs folks, pays over taxes to support the State, etc. And the chances of myself or my staff getting a 32% pay rise this year are zippo. Frankly almost no-one in the UK will get that sort of rise this year.
But one bunch of parasites, tarnished by allegations of corruption, working 3 days in 5 and universally despised reckon they merit a 32% hike taking them from the top 5% of earners into the top 1%. Even had I worked only 21 hours yesterday I would still be livid.
This week’s caption contest is in honour of the scumbags who forget that they work for us not the other way round. Please post your captions in the comments section below.
The best caption will win an “It’s Time to leave T-shirt which you can also buy exclusively here.
4335 days ago
Robert Sutherland Smith started his City career the year before I was born. He is, I think, 157 years old. He and I have worked together for almost eight years. at t1ps. He is my friend and he is a very funny and intelligent chap. He is now branching out to celebrate his 158th by doing some freelance writing over at TradingResearchPoint on FTSE 350 Income stocks. He is a great one for focussing on yield. He is also going to do a monthly column for me on this blog on the subject that really interests him, life on Hampstead Heath. I am sure we all look forward to “Pond Life.” RSS today looks at GlaxoSmithKline and starts with a touch of comedy. He is a funny chap RSS.
Medical matters are on my mind as I have the Norovirus. But it takes more than that to stop me writing about companies but naturally my mind turns to drugs. Well I was a young man in the sixties – the 1960s not the 1860s before you ask. Talking of ancient history, the market long ago abandoned the assumption that GlaxoSmithKline (GSK) would automatically build a pathway for shareholders to a starlight future of endless profits and earnings growth, by simply spending 15% of its sales revenue on R&D, and turning that into an approved blockbuster therapy every few years. In truth, costs rose and progress became more difficult – the return on R&D capital was not acceptable.
4349 days ago
The special relationship between Britain and America is under its most severe threat in decades. Stateside, a petition calling for Piers Moron to be deported has garnered enough signatures for President Obama to have to consider it. The world’s most hopeless chat show host, self-confessed phone hacker and “lucky” share punter during the City Slickers affair points out that 99% of Americans have not signed the petition. Alan Sugar responded on twitter by saying that those were the people who had not heard of Morgan.
But as this petition grows in size daily, other petitions are springing up demanding that he not be allowed back into Britain. The grounds seem unclear other than the fact that he is a loathsome human being and we would be better off without him.
I would just about consider an Abu Qatada Piers Morgan a good deal for Britain but it is pretty marginal. Perhaps if America agreed to take Russell Brand as well?
In order to win an “It’s Time to Leave” T-shirt I offer this picture of two grinning gentlemen. On is a proven loser with no friends very occassionally seen in the House of Commons. And so is the other.
Please post your entries in the comments section below.
For what it’s worth my entry is:
Brown: “ I’d like to replace the £9 billion I lost on bullion sales and you say you know Britain’s best gold digger – can you get Ms Mills’ telephone number for me?”
Last week I asked you for captions to this picture:
4353 days ago
Some young chap from UKIP was running a “Christmas carols opening two lines for the modern world “ chat on twitter tonight. His first entry was:
“Once in royal David’s city, Stood a lowly cattle shed, But when the Palestinians Bombed it, We build 200 new settlements instead”
To which I countered:
“Arrest you merry gentlemen from the BBC
You’re all screaming perverts it is now plain to see”
Naturally this got me started. And so ( in either English or German) I offer you the Evil Empire’s Silent Night
4355 days ago
I have just completed my first shift as a waiter at Real Man Pizza Company. Sadly for the Bulletin Board morons this is not an ongoing feature of my life just a response to a hectic pre-Christmas Friday. I think I am not a very good waiter. Now devoid of energy and polishing off a glass of red I offer a picture of two well known gentlemen. One is a character that some people believe in and who always delivers and the other is Prime Minister David Cameron.
To win an “It’s Time to Leave T-shirt simply post your caption entries in the comments section below
For what it is worth my entry is:
4360 days ago
Abu’s legal aid bill tops £500,000 and to celebrate he has moved him and his large welfare funded family to a brand new luxury pad paid for by you. This fat, welfare dependent, bearded loon is open in how he despises the West, wants a global Sharia Kingdom and is clearly linked to Islamofascist terrorists across the globe. I imagine his new neighbours are not happy to see him in the hood. Well I imagined wrong. The local vicar is reported to have said:
‘Absolutely anyone is welcome to our church and I would encourage Mr Qatada and his family to join in our Christmas celebrations and reach out to the local community.’
Heck: maybe Abu could pop along to the gay marriage presided over by a transsexual priest planned by the Rev for Boxing day. Go on Abu reach out and join in. The C of E loves you. The C of E loves everybody.
The Established Church and is desire for inclusiveness and brotherly love: you have to admire its style as it disappears into oblivion.
4367 days ago
Well here goes. My first e-book is live. You can now snap it up on Amazon or (better still) direct from the publishers, Harriman House. Letters from the Chestnut Tree Cafe (Thought crime in Britain and Greece, 1984 is finally here) is a collection of my best essays from the summer plus a sprinkling of a few other thoughts.
No doubt you all know where the Chestnut Tree Cafe is? It is in Airstrip One in Orwell’s 1984. I am a cynic about Government and deeply worried about free speech and Civil liberties issues. That seems to have been the theme of my writings but there is a good dash of Greek economic chaos, Tony Blair Jokes and much else besides.
I can’t say that it is a laugh a minute but those who have read it said there were enough jokes to keep them amused. You can snap up your e-copy at Harriman House HERE
4368 days ago
Well done to Tal Gilad and to Latma TV editor in chief Caroline Glick for another hit video. Latma is a satyrical Israeli internet show which regularly churns out musical winners. Its latest offering is Blame Canada (The Palestinian Version).
It is good but not as good as the classic “We Con the World”
Or indeed, the Three Terrors (below)
4369 days ago
I tweeted out a link to an article the other day with #Doha in its title. That is where al sorts of self important NGO and political scumbags are meeting to discuss how after 16 years of global cooling they are going to spend gazillions of pounds of taxpayers cash to stop global warming. Hey presto something called #Doha immediately retweeted me to its 111 followers.
You have to be a prize global warming nutter to sign up to receive some of the 6,600 tweets emitted by this beastie. But if you want to the 111 eco-loons who do indeed follower #Doha might I suggest tweeting out #Doha global warming is a con or #Doha you can stick Michael Mann’s fraudulent hockey stick where the sun don’t shine, etc, etc.
So who are these eco-loons who want to receive these great pearls of #Doha wisdom? One grabbed my eye: @Petercoville “Philosophy teacher, climate activist, London occupier.” His twitter feed is a scream – a triumph of deluded lefty garbage.
4369 days ago
I was tempted to try to find a caption to reflect today’s news from David Cameron of his new flagship policy to reach out to address the key concerns of hard pressed middle England in these austere times. That is to say, allowing gay marriages in Church.
Having won such praise for our last caption contest featuring the Butcher of Londonderry I considered that in this season of goodwill we revisit Ulster which is still part of the United Kingdom but where, in an act of pure sectarian malice designed to provoke, the Union Flag will not now be flown over City hall in Belfast except on special occasions. If there is a problem what do you do? Send for an O’Clinton of course. The family that has brought peace, love and happiness to folks in Iraq, Syria, Egypt, Libya and the Lewinsky family, can do anything and so the vile Clinton woman met up with Martin McGuinness ( who must have been gutted that the EU rather than he won the Nobel Peace Prize) to sort it all out.
But I cannot think of anything funny to say about McGuinness any more. And so I fall back on the Doha Climate Change conference where Dave Cameron came up with another big vote winner: give two billion quid to African dictators to build wind farms to tackle global warming.
In light of this I ask you for your captions for this photo taken today. To win one of our “It’s Time to Leave” (the EU) T-shirts (which you can buy here.) please post your entries in the comments section below to this picture:
My entry is:
4376 days ago
What should the caption picture be this week? Inches of inconvenient truth falling all over the country as the mercury goes down faster than Divine Brown on Sunset Boulevard? The Lib Dems coming 8th in Rotherham and UKIP’s triumph? Ultimately it had to be Lord Leveson and his farcical enquiry. And so this week, our caption contest features Hugh Grant who seems quite keen on gagging the press.
To win one of our Piss Off Argentina T-shirts post your entries in the comments section below.
You can, of course, buy your own Piss off Argentina T-shirt or mug here.
4377 days ago
As I noted on my blog yesterday inches of inconvenient truth were falling in Northern England. Here in the South West it feels very nippy indeed. After 16 years of global cooling we have had the wettest summer in eons and now, apparently, face one of the coldest winters in a century. As the Antarctic ice cap reaches record size you would kind have thought that the global warming nutters who have forced the planet to spend gazillions following their wacko religion might shut up. But er no.
4379 days ago
US Oil & Gas (USOP) is one of the most obvious joke companies going. On Bulletin Boards and on twitter its shares are ramped by an army of devoted followers. They are on the ramp again today and the shares are now £1.75 valuing this POS at £72 million. This is comedy. Already the loons are calling it back up to its peak of £6.90 and way beyond once again urging all to get involved before it is too late. If you dare to point out that the emperor has no clothes you are urged to “shut up and stop embarrassing yourself.” Well that does not work with me.
4383 days ago
My hope is that on Monday morning Joyce Thacker will be clearing her desk at Rotherham, fired without compensation for removing kids from foster parents just because those parents voted UKIP. My guess is that either she will not be fired at all or will resign with a vast payoff. That is the way the State sector operates. No responsibility just gravy all the way: success or failure.
Assuming that she is still at her desk I have sent her an email with my thoughts. I hope that every one of you does the same
Her email address is [email protected]
My email reads:
Joyce
You are a disgrace. My hope is that you are fired before you read this but if not here are a couple of articles I wrote about you this weekend
Thought crime in Rotherham Social Services 2012 (1984 is finally here) – the UKIP Foster parents .
Joyce Thacker: Rotherham’s Sour Faced Stasi Leader & the UKIP Foster parents scandal .
Since they do not appear in the Guardian your might have missed them. I would not want you to miss out.
Best wishes
—
Tom Winnifrith.
PS. If you do get a huge payoff as a reward for your utter failure and crass stupidity I suggest that you renivest £4.25 of it in a new e-book published yesterday on the increasingly authoritarian state of the UK today. It really is very funny and makes a good point or two. “Letters from the Chestnut Tree Cafe, Though crime in Britain and Greece, 1984 is finally here“ can be ordeerred direct from publisher Harriman House HERE.
I wonder how big Thacker’s email inbox will be by Monday?
4383 days ago
I have rather lost track on how Abu Qatada’s claim for a far bigger council house and £10 million compensation is going. But the Islamofascist lover of terrorism continues to enjoy liberty and a lavish lifestyle in a country he despises thanks to its taxpayers. Even Call Me Dave seems to think that there is something not quite right about all of this. But meanwhile we must not infringe the human rights of this repellent human being. That is Al Qatada not call Me Dave.
And so without infringing the human rights of the bearded nutter (since the Kent Police will probably arrest you for it) I ask you for suitable captions to this picture (and I challenge Jon Pickles to get Prince Harry in here).
The winner will receive a Piss off Argentina T-Shirt which of course you can buy exclusively here.
My entry is: “The BBC’s new Middle East correspondent gives his balanced opinion on the state of play in Gaza”
4386 days ago
On form going into the game West Ham should have been favourites. I had this one down as one where three points should have been taken before Lucian Miers reminded me how badly we do against sides from grim Northern shit holes.
Certain readers who live in the truly grim Northern wastelands insist that Stoke is in fact in the Midlands or the South. I find it hard to believe. Stoke used to have coal mines and apparently 24.2% of the non pensioner population live in households where no-one has a job. They elect a donkey with a red rosette, the biggest employer in the town seems to be the State and its most famous living sons include darts legend Phil Taylor and Robbie Williams as well as Lemmy from Motorhead. I rest my case: Stoke is a grim Northern shit hole.
4386 days ago
The Daily Mail has its knickers in a twist about how £230 million of taxpayers cash is being pissed away by DfiD on an education programme in Nigeria. The Mail is wrong. What needs to be asked is why we are giving cash at all to the world’s 8th largest exporter of crude oil.
But to humour the Mail it is perhaps noting the report of The Independent Commission on Aid Impact. The UK has poured £102million into education in ten of Nigeria’s 36 states during the last seven years, and is due to spend a further £126million by 2019. But the report found that a third of the eligible children – an estimated 3.7million – were still not in school, while those that were received little by way of education.
4391 days ago
This week it emerged that Robert Mugabe, Africa’s Hitler, had stolen $2 billion worth of diamonds from the poor people of Zimbabwe. But still the UK hands over £80 million a year directly in aid and a lot more via the Evil Empire.
And so in honour of the old Devil this week’s caption contest is an Uncle Bob special. Let’s see if the UK’s wittiest accountant Jon Pickles can somehow get Prince Harry into his entry for this week.
Please post your captions in the comments boxes below. The winner gets a Piss off Argentina T-shirt which, of course, you can always buy here.
4391 days ago
An IPSOS Mori poll out yesterday shows that 48% of Britons agree with Call Me Dave that the EU budget should rise only to match inflation. 31% want the EU budget to be cut. But 14% want it increased in real terms.
Cripes. As you walk down the street today be warned that 1 in 7 of those you pass are certifiably mad. They want to hand over more money Britain does not have to the Evil Empire. I wonder what percentage of our fellow citizens believe in the tooth fairy. Or in Santa Claus. Presumably the same sort of headcases. About 14%. How many believe in Nick Clegg’s promises? You are aving a larf. No-one can be that mad surely?
4392 days ago
You all know about Abu Qatada. He is the latest beardy weirdie Islamofascist who hates everything about Britain but likes living here with his wife and five little Islamofascists. The benefits and free housing flows in and so far this gentleman has cost us £3million. No matter that he supports Al Qaeda, arrived here on a forged passport and is wanted in Jordan on terrorism charges, the British Courts yesterday ruled that he cannot be sent back to Amman to face charges.
It’s against his bleeding yuman rights. Evidence that had been obtained as a result of torture might just seep into the prosecution’s hands so he gets to stay, at our expense. Now meet Sergeant Danny Nightingale, an ex SAS soldier
4393 days ago
EMED (EMED) the AIM and TSX listed developer of a large copper mine in Spain has today announced that it has secured a $50 million financing and an offtake deal from commodities giant Red Kite. This is a monumental step forward for EMED and really is very good news indeed. Those of you who bought the shares on October 4th after I wrote this can thank me later: “EMED has been on the point of starting to build a huge copper mine in Spain for ages. But getting the consents needed seems harder than finding a 17 year old virgin in Romford. And EMED is still not there. Hence, having tipped the shares at 14.75p back in July 2007 and with the stock at 9.625p today I look like a bit of a schmucko. Apologies for that. However, I had a long chat with CEO Harry Adams this week and I sense that we are almost there and that now would be a good time to buy.“ I hope you did, the shares are now 11.625p. But they will go much higher and here is why.
4393 days ago
I am going away today to a place without a TV in case I get hooked but I admit that I watched I’m a Celebrity once again yesterday. And I watched the whole show. I cannot offer an excuse but I offer the observation that Nadine Dorries MP is winning friends and the posh boy Old Etonians (David Cameron and Sir George Young) who suspended her from the Tories are looking increasingly silly. What will they do if she wins?
Yesterday Nadine found herself up against the wimpish airhead actress from Coronation Street in a contest eating such horrors as a rotten egg, a piece of camel foot and a kangaroo testicle
4393 days ago
Yesterday the most shocking allegation was made in the house of commons about the late MP for Rochdale Sir Cyril Smith. Using Parliamentary privilege the obese Northerner was accused of being a lifelong, and serial Liberal Democrat.
Smith’s family have reacted with anger, claiming this is a viicious smear. One said, this is just untrue: Cyril was just an ordinary paedophile. To suggest anything otherwise is simply malicious.
4393 days ago
Some posters on Bulletin Boards are so thick they would make the contestants on I’m a celebrity seem like a bunch of Nobel Prize winning economists. A company is obviously bust yet some buffoon manages to find reasons why its shares are cheap. Conspiracy theories abound. Amid the mind numbing stupidity you find the odd gem. Trying to pick out the BB moron of the year is an almost impossible task but here is a contender.
4393 days ago
Under its super crackpot socialist loon of a New President Frances Hollande France is going bust even more quickly than bankrupt Britain. As such, nothing the Froggies do should surprise you. In France government spending is already 56% of GDP (OECD average 46%) The debt to GDP ratio at the end of 2011 was 85.8% and with a whopping budget deficit it is rising fast. 90% is the point at which debt stifles growth – a point of no return. Pretty soon you get to 120% and you are Greece.
So faced with a country going bust and spending too much what does a Socialist do? Yes, of course. He spends more. And he pays for it by a) borrowing, while he can and b) by imposing new taxes. And this brings us to the great Nutella tax. According to France 24, the latest wheeze from the loons comes in the form of an attempt to hike taxes by 300 percent% on a key ingredient in Nutella. A bill to push through the tax was adopted by a Senate commission and heads to the National Assembly this week for review.
The key ingredient is palm oil which comprises about 20% of Nutella. So how do the Froggies justify this tax hike?
4394 days ago
In case you missed it, given that every day is World something or bloody other thing day, today is World Kindness Day. This is a day organised by the World Kindness Movement on which we are all urged to “celebrate and promote kindness in all its forms.”
Examples given from 2011 show the sort of fatuous way that the West slips into decline. There was an enormous “organised hug” on Bondi Beach in Australia. A Kindness Text wave swept the UK. A Kindness Awards ceremony took place in Italy.
I never cease to be amazed by the new heights of civilization and achievement that man reaches in the early part of the 21st Century. Awesome.
But just to show that I am embracing the spirit of the day I hereby pledge that for the whole of the 13th of November I shall not saying anything nasty about paedophiles in Belgium, believers in global warming, the lying scumbags at Sefton Resources or David Cameron. I cannot say fairer than that. Now who wants to give me a big hug?
4395 days ago
I could not resist. I had a bit of trouble sleeping last night and the urge was just too strong. And so I have created my very own spoof Downfall Video – the Sefton Resources edition. Knowing full well that this will offend all sorts of folks, at least it has made me laugh and given me some pleasure. I hope that you enjoy it at least a bit.
4395 days ago
My weekend has been spent walking in mid Wales. I needed a break from non-stop writing. And as always I am one who tries to be aware of local cultural sensitivities and so when in Wales…do as the Welsh do.
Hence on Saturday afternoon
4396 days ago
We seem to see a new Downfall parody video every couple of months. The Gordon Brown ones were excellent. Some of those since have been weaker.
Well here is a corker on the subject of “plain packaging cigarettes” and the lies and campaigns of the, er…Health Nazis.
Hat tip to the excellent Velvet Glove Iron Fist blog for this.
Enjoy.
4396 days ago
West Ham ( or Vest Hem for my Albanian readers – a fact my father picked up last week while visiting Europe’s second fastest growing economy) travel to Newcastle for a 3PM Sunday kick off at whatever St James’ Park is called these days. We have not won in the league against Newcastle since 31st October 1998 (3-0 at Upton Park, Wright 2, Sinclair) and frankly I cannot see that changing this weekend.
Newcastle has a couple of players out thanks to suspension and Alan Pardew also has a couple of late fitness tests to concern him. But West Ham
4397 days ago
I think I got the sound and the video right this time. I have been thinking in the New Year that I might start doing two short daily audio reports on a) the markets and b) life in general – the world, the evil State and the Evil Empire. I am investigating the technology. Whaddya think?
4397 days ago
The Greek General strike has come and gone. A few riots, a few more businesses closed than usual but no real change. Unemployment creeps up. The 4th Reich imposes more austerity and society falls apart. And so as the workers ( or in the case of Greece, non-workers) of the world unite who is next to strike? For a range of reasons I urge some of the lead candidates to go ahead – comrades I stand along side you.
Starting with the poor oppressed editorial team at The Guardian newspaper – average salary no idea but with some highly paid columnists (Polly Toynbee on £300,000) pushing up the mean. My guess is that most of the writers on the Guardian are on £50,000 plus and heck you do not get to live in Islington and Camden if you are on the minimum wage.
4398 days ago
So much in the news, if not yet in the newspapers, this week I am spoiled for choice. Surely a few cheap Obama/Romney jokes, Greek strike jokes, Angela Merkel jokes, EU diktats on children’s gender neutral TV jokes or just David Cameron again spring to mind? I am spoiled for choice.
So, to win a Piss off Argentina T-shirt I offer you this picture and ask you to post your non entries in the comments section below
For what it is worth my entry is:
4398 days ago
Bram Stoker was born this day in 1847 In Clontarf Dublin – the place where I now and again play rugby with John Teeling. Like all the very best of us he is of Donegal Church of Ireland stock (on his mother’s side at least). His two claims to fame are that he stole the heart of a woman who was at the time dating fellow Dubliner Oscar Wilde and, his only great work: Dracula.
Clearly Mrs Stoker made a good call on dumping Wilde given that he clearly would rather have “batted for England.” But Stoker’s own sexuality has also been the subject of some speculation. Rather like my late godfather Roger whose first wife decided to become a lesbian and then the mother of his daughter made the same call, perhaps it was just that Mrs Stoker was drawn to a certain type of man.
4399 days ago
Okay I admit it, I tried to watch a bit of the Biased BBC coverage. Three minutes of Newsnight was enough for me. This organisation gets taxpayer’s money to offer balance. And so I sat through a discussion with a stuffed British shirt ( who turned out to be novelist Martin Amiss), a horrible hag from Newsweek in the US who made Amiss look like a neocon and some third rate Republican ex Governor who was occasionally allowed a word or two for “balance”.
The bon mot from Amiss was that Ronald Reagan would be rejected by today’s Republican Party for being far too left wing. Paxman looked bored and did not bother to challenge this obvious lie which was part of the night long deluded leftie luvvy agenda of portraying everyone in the GOP as racist, sexist, homophobes who want to shoot all poor people. And so for some balance he turned to the old hag from Newsweek
4400 days ago
Okay, I really am now decided. If you are in any doubt as to why you should hope for a Romney win please watch this video. You may be physically sick as you watch Democrat luvvies associating Republicans with racism, sexism, misogony, hating the poor and Obama with saving everyone. Just nasty smear after nasty smear from a bunch of pampered, deluded liberal luvvies from one of the Coasts.
Get the sick bag ready, watch the video and any lingering doubts you may have had will disappear in an instant.
Go for it Mitt. All sentient people across the planet must surely wish you well.
One Term More – With Subtitles from One Term More on Vimeo.
4400 days ago
After 6 billion dollars and what seems like an eternity of evasion and unfulfillable promises America must decide today whether to re-elect President Obama or to replace him with Mitt Romney. What a god awful choice. It is just like Manchester United versus Chelski, you want both teams to lose. But after another evening with deluded lefties I think I have now decided who I want to lose less.
Rating the two men on a number of issues is a pretty thankless task but here goes on what matters to me.
4401 days ago
I strode in, and as I suspected, amongst the middle class lefties present at this bonfire night I was the only poppy wearer I could see. One nil to me. It was a good bonfire and some of fireworks zipped away as they would in a Harry Potter film. There was a chair on top of the bonfire but no effigy. I assume the deluded lefties did not wish to offend catholics or any other minority present. I was mildly surprised that Call Me Dave was not burned tonight. Perhaps Jimmy Savile could have been sent up in flames. In paedo obsessed Britain surely that would have met with popular acclaim?
I suggested to the various deluded lefties present that next year they might burn an effigy of Polly Toynbee or the Wicked Witch herself. Naturally I was accused of sexism.
4402 days ago
Just a brief insight into the mindset of those who will ultimately destroy the West: the publication of a new book “How to Get Fired So You Can Collect Benefits.” This book is published by Revolutionary Books the firm that brought you such winners as A Pig Named Wall Street, and Confessions of an alcoholic who put down the bottle for revolution – a book that apparently contains the confessions of a citizen who overcame their alcoholism for the sake of the community, the people, the Revolution. If you are looking for further reading…
How about, The Anti Upper Class Fact Book. Apparently this book features 500 facts about the upper class. These facts will show the moral and psychological corruption of the wealthy.
4403 days ago
A few hours ago I sent out the weekly Tomograph newsletter to subscribers. It does not cost you a cent and you do not get bonus spam so to make sure that you get your Tomograph “delivered weekly in your email inbox register here. This week’s edition contains a couple of articles not up on the site including “The Falklands Question & Viagra Man – firming up on a title” “ And, by the way, feel free to pass the Tomograph onto a friend if you so wish. All new readers are welcome
4403 days ago
Okay this is meaningless stuff but there are a few cracking tweets. For what it is worth my own was:
okay then: He is just a bit less loathsome and appalling than Hillary Clinton. Best I could do. Sorry
Others did far better. Perhaps the medium works best if you follow on twitter. There are a few stormers in there including:
he’s killed way more people than any other Nobel Peace Prize winner has.
Under President Obama it takes me far less time to put $20 of gas in my car.
Because of Obama I’ve learned to spell narcissist without spellcheck
I’ve never seen a more loving relationship between a president & his teleprompter. It’s inspiring, really.
he is good at math. Subtracts from the workforce, adds 2 high gas costs, multiplies Debt, and Divides country
He turned me into a flaming reactionary, and it feeeels sooo goood!!!
Former President Obama has a nice ring to it.
He makes Jimmy Carter look like the greatest president ever!
He’s leaving soon.
He liked poor people so much, he made a million more.
4404 days ago
And so, 51 Tory MPs showed they have some principle and voted against their party. Call Me Dave Cameron is now mandated to reject the 6.8% proposed EU budget increase. Will he show backbone? Will he show principle like when he promised us all a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty. And then, er … defined promise in a Nick Clegg manner and changed his mind? All will be revealed.
But in honour of our great leader this week we invite suitable captions for this picture – “I vow to thee, my Country”:
4405 days ago
When I was young, it was not exactly cool to be right wing. I cannot believe that Call Me Dave is making it terribly cool to be a conservative today. I suspect the cool line is to be apolitical whether of the left or right.
But, having discovered our own Victoria in the UK – a female student of a conservative bent who writes some cracking stuff on the evils of affirmative action, I now bring you Republican Girl Probs – a US conservative student. Not perhaps, by her own admission, the greatest singer on this planet but she is a quite cute bird and the video is funny.
But for a pretty decent “Call Me Maybe” parody aimed at the Occupy movement watch this:
4406 days ago
Sir George Young is the new Government chief whip. As it happens I know a bit about him as he is also my second cousin once removed and, rather more importantly, brother of my step mother Helen. And I see that he is now a founder member of a new group of Tory MPs which wants to “reach out” to “blue collar” Tories. The sort of people Young’s predecessor Andrew Mitchell might have described as “plebs.” Young’s qualifications?
Born in a stately home at Cookham, like his grandfather, father and brother he went to Eton then
4406 days ago
I have to admit that I thought that Michael Heseltine was dead. But much to my surprise I discover that “Tarzan” is very much alive, heading up a task force established by Call Me Dave to work out how to kickstart the economy and getting it as wrong today as he has almost throughout his political career. I suppose that one should not speak ill of the brain dead but for Heseltine I can make an exception.
4407 days ago
The Greek Trades Unions have called a General Strike for 6th and 7th November in porotest against the austerity package imposed by the EU. Where do you start. The country will grind to a halt, businesses will close down and the economy will collapse. So no change then. Will anyone notice? Moreover I wonder?
4407 days ago
You could not make this up. Just how stupid are the men and women who run the UK and Ireland? The Irish have just suspended its aid to Uganda after a £10 million package from the Irish, Norway, Sweden and Denmark meant to help the poor and needy somehow ended up in the personal bank account of Ugandan Prime Minister Patrick Amama Mbabazi.
No British cash was nicked by just as a precaution the £4 million in aid we already give to Mr Mbabazi’s office has been suspended. However other aid programmes (another £94 million) will continue. Where does one start?
Let us start in Ireland. In case whichever midget is running Eire today has not noticed your country is frigging bankrupt.
4408 days ago
No I did not lunch with a bearded, extremely right wing, Nicaraguan freedom fighter. But with a bearded, extremely right wing, English freedom fighter (living in France). I refer to the publisher of my forthcoming book “The wit and wisdom of Viagra man”, Stephen Eckett of Harriman House. Over for a short holiday Stephen took me to a delightful pub (the Crossed Guns) near where his parents live. The pub overlooks an aqueduct which carries the Kennet & Avon canal over both the River Avon and also the railway line – a bit of a quirk. After lunch a pleasant walk up the valley to catch a train back.
Eckett is delightfully right wing. I would pare down the BBC to its bare bones. He would scrap it altogether. I would pare back the Welfare State greatly, he would go er…rather further. When the disagreement is just how far one cuts it is unlikely to be a heated row. After a brief return to rural France, Eckett’s next stop is Nicaragua to hunt down Contra coffee.
4408 days ago
Most stuff on twitter is pretty dire but, as I have noted before, there are rare gems. And so from the carnage of Hurricane Sandy I bring you this offering for those of you (99% of sentient human beings) who cannot abhor Piers Morgan and who cannot wait for him to be done for phone hacking:
#Sandy: America do us all a favour and get CNN to send Piers Morgan out to do the weather report.
Not the funniest tweet in history but it brought a smile to my face.
4408 days ago
You and I know that hurricanes just happen. No-one is to blame and mankind just carries on. But out there in the twittersphere the left is already working out whom or what is to blame for Hurricane Sandy which is now battering New York. Just to help these simple folk along so that they can cut and paste away for the comments board on the Guardian, BBC, etc here are the top ten candidates for who or what is to blame.
1. George Bush Junior – he caused all that is evil on this planet.
2. Global Warming. I know Sandy is rather cold but it is all to do with Global Warming which was partly caused by George Bush ( see above)
4410 days ago
Once again both the sound and picture are all okay. A pity about the window occasionally banging in the background but almost there for the latest video postcard which is fairly wide ranging.
Back in London on the first train Tuesday I plan to record my first CEO Videocast this week. Hopefully no banging windows there. And I cannot say where it will appear. But it will.
The video lasts 12 minutes
4410 days ago
Those who are registered with this site were sent the Tomograph yesterday. If you are not registered please sign up now. You will not get Spam from third parties just the Tomograph and the odd message from me. You can sign up here. This week’s issue contains an exclusive article on how the NHS is not a sacred cow. This was born from anger as I saw another sort of cow claim a 10% discount at a restaurant on Friday.
4411 days ago
So the Olympics cost the UK £15 billion or whatever but didn’t the politicians tell you that there would be a golden legacy? They were, of course, correct. Today it has emerged that Chime Communications (generated £30 million from doing PR for various aspects of the Games) is to buy a firm largely owned by Lord Seb Coe (organiser of the Games) for up to £12 million. Lovely, there is your golden legacy for you.
Move along nicely Sir. Don’t ask questions. The Olympics were a huge success for all concerned and have left a golden legacy for Britain. No buts. No ifs. Do not create a T-shirt protesting about this. You will note that Willy Hague MP has a shareholding in Lord Coe’s company. You should not question the State with naughty T-shirts or tweets, you never know where you will end up.
In honour of this golden legacy today’s photo is:
4413 days ago
I find myself once again drawn to the blog of politically switched on first year student blogger Victoria by her article “Husband Application Form.” Before you accuse me of having John Peel-esque tendencies I stress that I read on only in the interests of research. Damn. That did not help Pete Townshend. Anyhow I digress.
I am, as it happens, not drawn to women too young (or to old) to name all the members of Blur or to be able to remember where they wept the day Margaret Thatcher was ousted by the Euro traitors and where they celebrated the sinking of the Belgrano.
4413 days ago
A long chat with Lombard Risk Management (LRM) CEO John Wisbey has finally come to an end. Interims today were as expected. The issue that I find hard is the company’s policy of capitalising R&D Spend. I shall discuss that in some detail below. I wonder if others quizzing him today on the site I ran for 12 years – t1ps.com – have focussed on this or have pulled their punches?
4415 days ago
There was I sitting in the pub minding my own business when a bloke came up and invited me to take part in the pub quiz. Normally I am always up for a good quiz. But a) he looked like a total weirdo and b) he said that it was weather themed. I declined.
This would, however, be where my good friend Zak Mir would have been in his element.
4416 days ago
Jeepers. I think I have got both the sound and light right this week. A bonus helping of chocolate pizza for me. I had to get the hang of it eventually. The nine minute video postcard is wide ranging and I only mention Sefton Resources (SER) once and even then only en passant. How is that for restraint?
4416 days ago
Lunch with some nice folk but since they are academics it is simpler to declare my hand from the start and out myself as a right winger. It avoids any embarrassing moments later on. Er maybe not. The Great Margaret Thatcher comes between us.
Somehow the conversation turns to buses. One academic mutters “Maggie Thatcher” and another nods. I let it pass for a couple of minutes. What are they talking about? And so I ask. Well they cannot remember the exact quote and but it is something along the lines of “
I could not argue or defend Mrs T. Instinctively I doubted she said that because it in no way chimes with the philosophy of someone (who unlike the left) admired those who sought out opportunity, however they got there. Thatch wanted to give the poor a chance. The left wants them to have to travel on a bus for life. But I did not start a debate. The quote seems damning. And being academics I am sure they have sourced and verified it.
They have not.
4417 days ago
The latest edition of The Tomograph was emailed out a few hours ago to those on our mailing list. It contains, among other things an exclusive piece on the subject of Tom’s next book after the current three: Britain to go Bust in 2020. If you are not on the mailing list, click here to register for the Tomograph.
4417 days ago
It seems as if there are only two more episodes of the current series of Downton Abbey to go. Sunday evenings will not be the same after next weekend. I shall have to make conversation or write more. What shall I do? Well for starters I will not be booking a P&O luxury cruise. The amount of adverts in Downton is infuriating and I have got the message a thousand times over that the series is sponsored by P&O Luxury Cruises. Why not jack up the ad rates and sell fewer adverts? The viewing experience is greatly diminished. Anyhow, P&O I have never been on one of your cruises and after this series, I never will.
The death of Lady Sybil is a blow
4419 days ago
Dominic Frisby needs your help. The author and comedian needs a set number of pre-orders for his book for his publisher to publish it. And he is 82% of the way there.
Just for producing the classic debt bomb video (below) Dominic deserves support
Now watch Dominic discuss the book he wishes to publish and please consider a pre-order.
Tom
PS Dominic you owe me one. I shall have here books for you to plug in a month’s time.
4420 days ago
And so the screwing of Private Investors in AIM listed gold miner Shanta Gold (LSE:SHG) is completed. The company has today announced that it has raised $35 million (£21.8 million) in its bookbuild placing announced yesterday at 17p. The new investors will own 38% of the equity. We plebs have been rogered, we feel sore but an objective look at the investment case still leaves the shares as a buy. Here is why.
4422 days ago
It has been a long but enjoyable week. This week’s video looks back on some of the highlights, notably the Evil Empire winning the Nobel Peace Prize and my battle with AIM listed penny dreadful Sefton Resources (SER) on Tuesday. But I look forward too.
4423 days ago
I am calling the result of the Friday caption contest early. Jon Pickles, finance director of ILX Group is officially a genius and his entry is unbeatable. A T-shirt will be sent to Mr P in due course for his winning entry and for showing that accountants can have a sense of humour.
The picture is of Reichsfuhrer Merkel meeting Greek PM Samaras in Athens on Friday, the day the Evil Empire was awarded the Nobel Price for Peace. Stop laughing at the back. It really did win.
4424 days ago
Tomograph Issue 10 has just been sent out to those on our mailing list. If you are not on the mailing list which is not (and never will be) sold onto 3rd parties but is purely for distributing the Tomograph you can register for it here. This week’s edition contains a number of new articles, plus a listing and links to all the most read articles on this site during the past seven days. The lead exclusive piece is “Playing the man not the ball: BB Moron abuse”
4426 days ago
This is not a hoax but it is a joke. The Nobel peace prize has just been awarded to the Evil Empire. Thorbjørn Jagland, head of the Oslo-based Nobel Committee, justified the award by stressing the EU’s role in bringing France and Germany closer together, and by helping strengthen democracy in southern as well as central and Eastern Europe.
Er….where do you start other than saying that Jagland should get back to butchering whales or whatever he did before as he is obviously a prize loon, or at best someone who has not watched TV in a couple of years.
In case he has missed it:
4426 days ago
As you may have gathered German leader Angela Merkel has been visiting Greece this week where she has met up with Greek PM Samaras to discuss how the EU austerity programme is bringing health, wealth and happiness to his country. Naturally the people of Athens have been delighted by their complete loss of sovereignty and greeted Merkel with undiminished love and admiration. Or I think that is what the press release from the Evil Empire’s press office will have said.
Anyhow in honour of this happy occasion in the brotherhood of man that is the
European Union I bring you a photo of Merkel and Samaras as they prepare to address adoring crowds in Athens.
4426 days ago
Some Tory local council candidate told a Jimmy Savile joke on twitter. The Labour party have now written to Call Me Dave demanding that this man be barred from standing for office again. Shit, why not go the whole hog and report him to the Police and get him banged up for 3 months for causing widespread “distress” via an electronic communication. Oh please…
The joke was tasteless but half funny. So at the risk of going to prison for three months for causing distress (see below) I shall of course repeat it in full.
4430 days ago
The Weekly Tomograph Newsletter has just been emailed to those who are registered. It contains the usual stuff, notably the Caption contest and a link to the most popular articles on this site during the past week. It also contains an exclusive article explaining why the BBC should be more or less scrapped, what would replace it and with news that another big name paedophile scandal from 1970s Kids TV is about to emerge. You really should register to receive the Tomograph every week here.
4432 days ago
I could not sleep last night. Harriet Harman’s comments about what goes on her bedroom gave me a series of nightmares. And so my prime entry in this week’s caption contest is in honour of the silly old trout.
Apparently the photo originally comes from Scotland where a man really did get his head stuck in this recycling bin. What was he up to? Did someone tell Charlie Kennedy that there was a half empty bottle inside? Whatever happened to this poor chap I am sure that everyone soon agreed that it was all the fault of the English or the wicked Tories or both.
4434 days ago
The wicked Tories are – as we all know – forcing local councils across the land to cut back on vital front line services. And apparently it is the poor in the inner Cities who will suffer the most. Places like Lambeth.
Indeed reading the blog of council leader Steve Reed I see the man pontificate:
4434 days ago
This is pinched from website Darth Meerkat and deserves a wider airing:
Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque. “Good morning”, says Ed, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”
Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”
Cashier:
4439 days ago
Hooray. Not headless and filmed in good light. I am getting the hang of this video malarkey. Filmed at Real man Pizza Company with the waiters looking on wondering what I am babbling on about, this is fun.
4441 days ago
Dominic Frisby is a good guy. He is a comedian. The man behind the debt bomb video and he is a writer. A gold bug, his views on matters such as QE3, welfare spending, etc are spot on. And he is publishing a book. But his deal with his author is that he needs a certain number of pre-orders to go ahead. As Dominic is a) funny, b) a good bloke, c) correct in his analysis and d) a good writer I ask you click the link below, watch his video and consider pre-ordering.
To watch Dominic’s video about his new book click here.
4443 days ago
Nope, not the result of a crazed attack by a Sefton-jihadist just that I am still getting the hang of this self-record video lark. A slight delay in transmission but we will be good to go next week for a prompt Saturday broadcast.
4444 days ago
And so I left London on Saturday night. Chocolate pizza with my daughter, a spot of business in Wandsworth and then the 9.30 from Paddington. Is there an Agatha Christie novel with a title a bit like that? Since I am now on the 4.47 AM from Bristol and cannot access the internet I do not know the answer. And feeling a bit tired ahead of a hard day in London I am not sure that I care.
The journey down to Bristol was one that made me feel old (as I was surrounded by young people) and sad (as they were all such morons.)
4444 days ago
I am sure that Gladstone and John Stuart Mill would be terribly impressed at the dynamic policy initiatives dreamt up this week by the Lib Dems. Actually I have not watched any of the Lib Dem conference and I suspect that neither has anyone else. A party that faces electoral obliteration discussing dull as ditchwater policies that will never be implemented cannot hope to compete in terms of TV time with catching up on missed episodes of the new series of Dallas. Nick Clegg you are no Bobby Ewing although I hear that after lunch Charles Kennedy can do a good impression of Digger Barnes.
I have, however, picked up on the news that the Lib Dems plan to reconnect with the public with dynamic policy initiatives to impose taxes on plastic bags and fizzy drinks. Heck, I bet that’s got Ed Milliband running scared. While it is easy to dismiss these plans as irrelevant I fear that they are not as they are exactly the sort of things that all three of the mainstream parties (plus the Greens) agree on and as such are bound to become law. The problem in both cases is that such laws are regressive (i.e. they stuff the poor) and also illiberal.
4444 days ago
Zak Mir was a late starter in the reproduction game but once he got going there has been no holding him back. And so once again I find myself congratulating him and Mrs Mir who gave birth to a boy on Friday, their fourth child. Having sworn to become a good Catholic when marrying Mrs Mir, I am sure that his Holiness is proud of how Zak has followed his teachings in at least one regard.
You are discovering my obsession with Venn diagrams. Rather like my LinkedIn isolation of being a friend of Albania, Israel and a West Ham Supporter, Zak also stands on his own. I cannot believe there are many Glaswegian, Old Harrovian Moslems now following a Catholic life. His Harrow education has left Zak barely literate,
4444 days ago
Veteran Guardian journalist David Leigh has penned a piece that will make your blood boil. I shall not provide a link as I refuse to direct traffic to this despicable publication. But you need to know what these (already) state subsidised scroungers think. Leigh wants to tax each broadband user in the UK £2 a month. The £500 million raised will be doled out to all publications classed as newspapers in 1994 to allow them to support “high quality journalism”.
This cash is needed because their current business models do not work. The Guardian would trouser c£100 million a year from this plan which would be handy as it currently loses £76 million a year despite getting a vast subsidy from the taxpayer advertising public sector non-jobs (something that could be done in-house and online at a fraction of the cost). The whole proposal stinks as does the tone of the piece from this wretched old dinosaur.
4446 days ago
And so the Friday caption contest is back. We still have not quite got around to producing our new line of unethically produced politically incorrect T-shirts and mugs and so the prize for this week remains a “Piss off Argentina” mug which you can of course also buy here.
This week’s caption contest has no sponsor but I would be delighted if AIM listed Sefton Resources (SER) would step up to the plate. I gather that the company (which is yet to contact me about this article) is holding a presentation on 9th October at 6PM in London and I have registered to attend. You can also do so here.
If anyone wishes, I am happy to offer a half price pizza at Real Man Pizza Company at 91-95 Clerkenwell Road at 4.45 PM on the 9th and we can then all troop along together. If you care to join me for the pre-Sefton pizza drop me an e-mail.
4450 days ago
As official attack poodle for David Cameron, the Daily Telegraph has today had a go at UKIP and its leader Nigel Farage.
“Any mockery of UKIP has to be balanced by due respect. The low handicappers are now the only game in town when it comes to anti-establishment Right-wing politics. They hold 12 MEPs in the European Parliament and took 3.1 percent in the 2010 general election. If we had proportional representation, UKIP would probably own a batch of MPs and be a querulous part of the coalition. Smoking would be permitted in the House of Commons and the national anthem would be played in cinemas. Augusto Pinochet would feature on the £5 note.
So Farage believes that his movement stands a genuine chance of subverting the morally compromised Lib Dems and emerging as the new third party. But he’s mistaken if he believes that swapping the pound symbol for a Bentley or a bull dog will do the trick. UKIP still needs to confront that golf club stereotype.”
Well I guess that changing that stereotype is going to be simple when the Daily Telegraph presents such a mature and balanced analysis of its main policies isn’t it?
4459 days ago
The weekly newsletter sent out to those who have registered their addresses with this website is now out. After a three week absence The Tomograph is back.
As ever, it contains an article unique to the Tomograph. In fact this week there are two. A general piece on life and the events of the last week and what is planned for next week and a few thoughts on civil liberties in the peadophile infested old folks home that is Belgium. There is also a run down on the most popular pieces on the blog over the past three weeks in case you missed them.
You can access this issue of the Tomograph here.
You can access an archive of past issues here.
And you can register to get the Tomograph emailed direct to your inbox by filling in your email address in the box in the top Right Hand corner of this website. I am sure you can find it.
4461 days ago
Okay Mars Inc is not sponsoring the caption contest before is pompous lawyers get onto the case. That is what is termed a little joke in Britain. But Mars provided the highlight of the week. Not you understand that I would eat any of their loathsome 260 calorie, 34.6 grammes of sugar and 9.9 grammes of fat bars even though I understand that doing so will help Mars which is committed to promoting healthy and active lifestyles. Instead it was the way that the pompous lawyers acting for the dickheads who run the US giant have tried to stop some Scottish shop from selling its branded “deep fried Mars Bars.” Mars would not wish to be associated with such a product because of its commitment to healthy and active lifestyles. Yup right. You can read the full story here.
Of course the issue of Scottish health problems is not to be ignored. Life expectancy in some parts of urban Scotland is now, at 57, lower than in the Ukraine. The left blames this on poverty, evil capitalists and wicked Tory cuts. Yup right. Folks do not have to spend their welfare cheques on cigarettes, alcohol and deep fried Mars Bars. It is a lifestyle choice. Living off welfare does not force you to eat crap and drink and smoke. This is a matter of personal freedom, choice and responsibility. Giving these folks far bigger welfare cheques would not turn them into non-smoking, tee-total, tofu munchers.
The issue of accepting responsibility for your own destiny (something the Left cannot abide because the State always knows best and working class folk cannot exist without middle class lefties telling them how to improve themselves) is a matter I have discussed before and shall do again. For now here is this week’s caption contest.
4461 days ago
Hat tip @AlbertKuller – This may be an old joke but I had not seen it before and I thought it was funny. Well more amusing than trying to write a book anyway.
4468 days ago
Wednesday saw me enjoy lunch with Paul Atherley, the CEO and largest shareholder in AIM listed Leyshon Resources ( LRL) which at 11.5p is capitalised at £27.76 million. That is simply the wrong price. Other than the value in Leyshon, and the fact that Atherley is a Man United supporter who actually hails from the grim North rather than Esher, a number of other matters struck me.
4492 days ago
I have noted here a number of times that Greece is bust. I suspect that I shall not win a Nobel prize for that. But you know that things are really serious when the bribery industry admits that its business has fallen off a cliff. And thus I am grateful to CNBC for bringing us confirmation that the last non-cyclical industry in Hellas is in recession. The report out today states:
4496 days ago
Yesterday I wrote about how 80% of the customers one firm had paid (on a per click model) Facebook to send over were in fact bots (computer programmes). While there is sod all chance of most of Facebook’s customers (students, teenagers and piss poor Indians) buying anything online, there is zero chance of a bot buying. One thinks that advertisers will be thinking twice about using the services of Mark Zuckerburg’s great enterprise.
But it gets better. The company now admits that 1 on 10 of its accounts are in fact fake. That is to say duplicates ( where someone is so moronic that they need to “friend” themselves as they cannot find enough other morons online to be friends with?), not real (pets, etc) or spammers. You cannot now make any sensible earnings forecasts, the valuation is still crazy and insiders are about to start dumping hundreds of millions of shares onto a market where only the certifiable will buy. IPO $38. Price now $21. Target by Christmas (probably a lot sooner sub $10). As a non shareholder this is getting quite entertaining.
As one correspondent puts it:
“I’m loving this as my colleague took his first foray into investing on the IPO, buying a massive 3 shares. The only thing more amusing would be if he returned home to find Zuckerberg in bed with his wife.”
Why not? Zuckerburg has already screwed the investors, why not screw their wives as well?
4500 days ago
I start by thanking the lovely Petra ( pictured left) for her assistance in the photo shoot required for this story. She has asked my to accompany her to a beach party starting sometime after 1 am tonight. I tried to explain that this not the sort of thing 44 year old codgers do, but after her assistance today, it would be rude to refuse her invitation. No early start for me tomorrow.
I am advised by a concerned reader that I should take precautions in Albania. You know what I mean? It is really hot there. I need to wear a hat to avoid sunstroke or my sensitive (getting ever less anaemic white) skin getting burned. And so I have bought suitable apparel and, killing two birds with one stone, I thought I’d start keeping my side of my proposed deal with Lucy Sharp the playboy PR girl who networked so effectively with proven liar, Damian Conboy of AIM listed Alecto Resources (ALO).
I have been somewhat disappointed that Ms Sharpe has not yet been in touch to start arranging how she is going to help me to understand this networking business but I am sure she is busy helping Mr Conboy turn his initial networking into value-add for shareholders of Alecto.
4502 days ago
I occasionally exchange tweets with Dominic Frisby – mining commentator and comedian. So, as he will read this, anyone there is no need for me to tweet him to say that his latest video is wonderful. I am not sure why the birds have to end up partially clad but since I am unlikely to be hired as the dress code advisor to the Saudi Arabian women’s Olympic team (the token two) there are no great objections on that score. The lyrics are superb. And the point is, of course, bang on the – soon to be utterly denuded – fiat money. Congratulations Dominic. Enjoy.
